


Out of Darkness

by impatient14



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Confessions of love, Dream!Sex, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Realization of Feelings, Sam gets a dog, Violence, canon divergence- cas can fly again, winchester family vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3737599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impatient14/pseuds/impatient14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas and Sam are desperate to remove the Mark of Cain from Dean and their search leads them to the solution they were looking for, as well as the answers to questions Dean was afraid to ask.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Emerald Colored Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go to the psychic to learn more about the Mark.
> 
> Oliver Pryce has no time for Dean's drama.

It wasn't as if Dean was completely oblivious to the nature of his relationship with Cas.  
Dean knew he looked at his friend too long, that he settled too easily into his touch, that he found more joy in Cas’ smile than anything else on God’s green earth.

But that didn't mean Dean let himself explore those emotions more thoroughly.  
That didn't mean he allowed himself to figure out why Cas affected him so much. 

Dean put all questions about his feelings for Cas in a box and shut it up tight.  
He pushed down all musing of what it all actually meant. 

That is, until he went to confession.

When he was sitting in that booth, a sense of safety washed over Dean and he found himself opening up in a way he didn't think he was really ready for. The words sort of found and formed for themselves and tumbled out of his mouth before he could really think them through. 

But once he had said them, he knew exactly what they meant. He knew because a part of him always knew, and now, he was finally willing to acknowledge it. 

But just because he was finally beginning to admit to himself how he truly felt about Cas, it didn't mean he was ready to actually confront those feelings. Despite his longing to live a better life, to experience the things he truly desired, Dean was terrified to actually express those feelings. 

“Uh Dean?” Sam stared questioningly at his brother from across the table.  
Dean snapped his attention back to his brother who was obviously in the middle of something that Dean had tuned out of.  
“Huh? What?” Dean shook his head and brought himself back to the room.  
“Did you even hear what I said?”  
Dean thought for a moment and shrugged. The last thing he remembered was Sam saying something about Cas.  
Sam rolled his eyes and sighed. “I said, Cas said he had an idea about how to help get rid of the mark.”  
Dean took in a breath and nodded. “Alright. Yeah. That.” He motioned to Sam to continue.  
“Are you okay man?” Sam asked.  
He was concerned for his brother. His behavior lately had been so up and down, he never knew what to expect. There was a constant rage in Dean that seemed to be simmering just under the surface that scared Sam. He knew Dean was doing his best to control it, but he also knew it was also only a matter of time before something triggered Dean’s dark side and he exploded.  
“What?” Dean furrowed his brow. “Yeah- I’m fine.”  
Sam just stared at his brother, knowing there was something else rattling around in his brothers head but didn't know what it was.  
“Listen Dean- I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now...with the mark and everything and if you want to talk-”  
“Sam- “ Dean put up his hand to silence his brother. “Can it, okay?”  
Sam sighed and pushed back into his chair, his hands coming together into his lap.  
Dean continued. “So Cas. What’s in that fuzzy little head of his?”  
“He has a plan to contact Collette, to see if maybe she can help us in getting you through this.”  
“Collette? Cain’s chick?”  
“Yeah- she was the key to getting Cain to stop killing, for awhile at least, and Cas thinks talking to her could help us.”  
“And how exactly does Cas plan to do that. I’m guessing Collette has long since moved on. Not going to exactly be waiting for us to call on her on the other side.”  
Sam sighed and leaned forward over the table again.  
“Yeah well Cas thinks he can do it so...” He looked at Dean for some sort of agreement.  
“Fine Sammy. Whatever.” Dean got up from the table and went to the fridge. He saw the beer on the top shelf but resisted the urge and went for a bottle of water instead.  
Sam noticed and restrained his approving smile. “I’ll call Cas.”  
Dean nodded. His thoughts traveling to his friend again. He felt a mixture of comfort and anxiety at the thought of seeing him soon. He wondered what kind of mood he would be in and hoped that Cas wouldn't’t pick up on the emotional transition Dean was going through. Despite the fear that was rising in his stomach like bile, Dean longed to lay eyes on his best friend.

Suddenly, Dean could feel a heat spread through his body and a tingling feeling in his stomach. The familiar sound of wings flapping came from behind him.  
“Hello Dean.”  
Sam snapped his head in Cas’ direction and looked at his phone. “I didn't even call you yet.”  
Dean turned around slowly, his eyes meeting Cas’.  
He felt his heart begin to beat more quickly, his blood rushing through his veins at speed that made his skin vibrate. It was the first time he had seen Cas since he had his little church epiphany and now that he was accepting his feelings for him, he felt incredibly nervous to be around him. That combined with his constant impulse to inflict an incredible amount of violence on anything that was remotely difficult, Dean was on the edge of a cliff. He was preparing to fall but hoped that something could pull him back before it was too late.  
Cas turned his head towards Sam. “Dean did.”  
Sam’s face scrunched up. “No he didn't, he hasn't said anything...he just went to get some water.”  
Cas’ face wore a confused expression as he turned back to meet Dean’s eyes.  
“I could have sworn...” A disappointed look came to his face and his eyes fell to the ground. “My mistake.”  
“W-well,” Dean stuttered. “We uh, were going to call you anyway.” Dean stepped closer to the angel clumsily. “I guess those classes in telepathy have been paying off.”  
Dean tried to smile casually but found his lips contorting into an awkward grin that made Sam snicker behind his hand.  
Cas found Dean’s eyes again and smiled sweetly at him for a moment before cocking his head to the side and furrowing his brow.  
“I haven't taken any classes in telepathy. I was unaware that was a skill that could be taught.”

Dean couldn't help the chuckle that escaped at his friends misunderstanding and walked over to him, placing his hand on his shoulder. He tried to say something but just shook his head and laughed again before walking back over to the table.

Cas continued to look confused for another moment before realizing the joke he had failed to catch on to and nodded briefly. He joined the other two men at the table.  
He stood close to Dean, their arms grazing one another as they looked down at the table with the papers scattered across it.  
Dean felt the heat from Cas’ arm and sucked in a quick breath. He tried to ignore the way his mind wandered to what it would feel like to have Cas touch him, really touch him, and found himself unable to focus on the words Sam began to speak.  
“So you think you can get Collette to talk to us?” Sam looked up to Cas who was staring questioningly at Dean.  
“Cas?” Sam asked, his own face a mixture of confusion and annoyance.  
Dean looked over to find a pair of ice blue eyes staring into his. His stomach flopped in his abdomen as the energy between them thickened immensely. His eyes betrayed him by traveling down to Cas’ lips momentarily before he regained control and clearing his throat as he looked down at the table.  
Cas continued to look unsure of himself as he looked back to Sam. “Yes. We will need the help of your friend Oliver Pryce again though..”  
“The psychic?” Sam asked.  
“Yes. We need someone in contact with the other side who is willing to find Collette and bring her to us. Someone who can straddle both words.”  
“Oh well that sounds incredibly simple then. Thanks Cas.” Dean snorted, his menacing tone surprising even him.  
Cas let a pained look spread over his face before shaking it away. “Its our only plan Dean.” He turned to face his friend. “And I think its apparent that the mark continues to affect your behavior, so i think we should try everything we can.”  
Dean brought his gaze to meet Cas’ and a piece of his anger melted away.  
He crossed his arms as he took a breath and let it out forcefully.  
“Alright.” Dean kept his eyes on Cas for another moment before averting his gaze once more, the electricity too much for him to handle. “So when do we leave?”  
“Immediately.” Cas said, his voice soft and light. “BUt I’m not sure if its a good idea for you to accompany Sam and I on this particular mission Dean.”  
Sam’s eyes went from Cas to Dean a few times before sighing and sitting back down into his chair. He knew Dean Wouldn't react well to this but didn't have the energy to lend Cas a hand in the upcoming argument.  
“Like hell.” Dean retorted, turning his body to face Cas. They were standing so close Dean’s crossed arms were almost brushing against Cas’ chest. “I’m coming Cas. Aint shit you can do about it.”  
Cas took in a breath, his eyes traveling down Dean’s face quickly and back up again. He was aware of their proximity and had expected Dean to request he back away, as it was apparent that he was in the personal space Dean cared so much about. Cas found himself questioning what it was that was different about Dean today. Despite the mark that tainted his soul, and the anger that was apparent on his face at the moment, there was a lightness to Dean that Cas couldn't quite place.  
Cas had heard Dean’s confession the other day and had been unable to think of much else since. The words themselves were meaningful in a way Cas didn't recognize right away but the longing behind the words. Cas felt that. He felt Dean’s desire, his longing for him.  
But he was unsure of what that meant. Human emotions still evaded him in many ways and Cas couldn't figure out what Dean’s confession really meant, or the feelings behind his words. It added up to something Cas knew to be improbable.  
Cas pulled himself out of his own thoughts and tried to resume the conversation as if he hadn't just spent the last minute staring at Dean.  
“Dean-.”  
Dean cut him off. “Save it Cas. Lets get our gear and go.”  
Sam nodded and stood up from the table. “So its settled then?” He looked to Cas who kept his piercing blue eyes on the elder hunter.  
Dean pulled himself away from Cas and offered Sam a glance before turning and walking out of the room.

 

****  
The car ride to the psychics house was quiet but there was a thick tension that radiated around its occupants. Dean kept his hands on the wheel, gripping it tightly until his knuckles blanched, doing his best not to steal glances in the rearview mirror at Cas in the backseat.  
When his eyes betrayed him and found their way to the angel he found him staring out the window, his expression a healthy mixture of sadness and contemplation.  
Unbeknownst to Dean, Sam would catch his brother staring into the backseat and shift uncomfortably in his seat to snap Dean out of his gaze and remind him to watch the road. Dean would plaster on his coldest expression and continue to drive the men to Oliver Pryce’s house.  
When the Impala finally pulled up and parked across the seat from their destination, Sam broke the silence.  
“Okay, let me handle this okay?” He looked over to his brother, imploring him to listen. "Oliver is skiddish and may not be willing to help us again. I don't need you going all batshit and scaring him off.”  
Dean held up is hands in surrender and rolled his eyes as he exited the car.  
“Sam is right Dean.” Cas added. “Perhaps it would be best for you to stay here.”  
Dean glared at his friend for a moment, his annoyed expression giving Cas a silent answer.  
Cas nodded solemnly. “Very well.”

They crossed the street quickly and made their way up the front porch stairs again, this time Castiel making it to the door first and knocking quickly.  
Sam gave Cas a look, a reminder to stay calm and let Sam take control of the situation.  
Cas let out a breath and backed away, his eyes finding Dean’s for a moment before shifting back to the unanswered front door.  
“Mr. Pryce? Its Sam Winchester.” Sam yelled through the door, his voice kind but with a nice twinge of desperation. “I know you don't want to see me but-” He let out a loud breath. “But we really need your help.”  
No answer.  
Dean stepped forward then and pushed Sam gently out of the way so that he could stand in front of the door.  
“Listen man, I’m probably going to go crazy and kill my family so if you could be so kind as to open the damn door, I’d be forever grateful.” He had a fake smile plastered to his face as he forced out the words that came out as a joke but were tainted with the painful truth behind them.  
They heard shuffling behind the door for a moment before it swung open in a huff.  
“What do you want?” The old man glared at the group on his porch, his gaze flitting between the three of them for a moment before landing on Dean and staying there.  
“We need your help to contact someone.” Cas said, stepping forward.  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.” Oliver answered him, not taking his eyes off of Dean. “Looking to contact Collette?” He formed his statement as a question even though he knew the answer. Oliver looked over to Sam. “And I’m guessing if i refuse i will see a very violent exchange in your mind.”  
Sam gave him a look that confirmed his words and he nodded curtly.  
“Alright then, lets get on with it.” Oliver stepped inside his house and walked inside, leaving the men to follow in after him.  
Sam led the way towards the table they had sat around just days before, bringing another chair from the corner to join the three already stationed around the table.  
Oliver appeared from an adjoining room with a small box and began setting out things around the table.  
Dean shuffled his feet slightly as he watched the mind reader set up his stuff for the seance and found himself looking to Cas in a moment of weakness.  
Dean Wouldn't admit it to himself, but he was afraid of what Collette would have to say. He was terrified she would tell them there was no hope and that they should just give up trying to remove the mark.  
Then again, he didn't have the heart to tell Cas to stop searching. He didn't want him or his brother to feel the kind of pain that would come with realizing Dean was unsavable.  
Oliver looked up to meet Dean’s gaze and let out a loud, exasperated breath.  
“There’s only so much emotion i can take Dean, get a grip.”  
“Excuse me?” Dean asked, his voice dripping with hostility.  
“Dean.” Cas warned, his hand going out to Dean’s arm in an attempt to reign him in.  
“Oh geez.” Oliver dipped his head in his hands and shook it for a moment before bringing it back up and blinking furiously, like he was adjusting to the brightest light he had ever seen.  
“The moment you lot walked on my porch it all came at me like a tidal wave. The guilt, fear, hope, frustration. Its enough to make me want to scream. Not to mention what looked like the sun imploding into an emerald colored sky the moment this one started talking.” He gestured towards Castiel.  
Dean cleared his throat in a flustered attempt to play off the moment.  
Cas pulled his hand back, removing his gentle grasp on Dean’s arm.  
Oliver noticeably relaxed. “Ah. that's better.”  
Cas furrowed his brow at this, his head tilting a fraction of an inch, but stayed silent.  
“Can we just get on with it then?” Dean barked out, confident that whatever the mind reader was seeing in his head was something Dean would rather he not know.  
Oliver huffed, letting out a short, forceful breath before muttering to himself under his breath.  
Dean couldn't be sure but he could swear he heard him say something about longing.  
He instinctually let his green eyes find the blue ones next to him and found Cas staring at the mind reader inquisitively. Cas turned his gaze to Dean, as if inspecting him for a moment before shaking his head slightly and breaking their eye contact.  
Oliver held out his hands in invitation for them all to sit around the table.  
“Lets go then. I don't have all day. Give me the picture.”  
Sam nodded and pulled the picture of Collette out of his pocket, not questioning how Oliver knew it was there.  
The group sat down around the table, Cas between Oliver and Dean, Sam to Dean’s right.

Oliver reached his hands out, pulling Castiel’s and Sam’s hands in his. Sam reached for Dean’s and held it limply. Dean stared forward at the mind reader before a jolt of electricity went up his left hand and shot through his body.  
Cas had pulled Dean’s hand into his own and was looking intently at the elder Winchester.  
Dean jerked unconsciously at the touch but forced himself to relax, keeping his eyes on Oliver.  
Oliver squinted his eyes for a moment, his head turning from Castiel to Dean.  
The mind reader muttered under his breath again. “Jesus Christ.” He rolled his eyes in annoyance before raising his voice slightly. “Can we keep our head in the game here boys? I’ve got shit to do and i don't exactly want to spend my whole night listening to a damn soap opera.”  
Sam looked to Dean and Cas for a moment before realizing what Oliver was trying to imply and he cleared his throat loudly.  
“Let’s just do this okay?” He said softly, hoping his calming tone would ease his brother’s sudden death grip.  
Oliver just gave Sam a look before returning his gaze back to Cas and Dean for another beat. He shook his head again with a faintest of smirks on his lips before closing his eyes.  
Dean purposely avoided Cas’ eyes, that he knew were fixed on him. He closed his eyes in fear that green would meet blue again, against his will.  
Cas and Sam looked to each other for a moment before joining the others in closing their eyes.

************

“Drop it Sammy!” Dean yelled as he pulled open the drivers side door of the Impala.  
“Dean- we have to talk about this.” Sam’ voice almost matched Deans, but his was laced with frustration.  
“I said no!”  
“Dean-” Cas implored, his tone soft and quiet, his face scrunched in a pained expression.  
“I swear to God Cas if you say anything right now I’m going to kick your ass.” Dean stated matter of factly, his body falling forcefully behind the wheel and slamming the door behind him.  
Cas sighed and looked to Sam who stood next to him by the passenger side of the car.  
“Perhaps it would be best if I didn't come back with you.” Cas said quietly, making sure Dean couldn't overhear him inside the car.  
“Cas- don't be ridiculous.”  
“But Dean-”  
Sam cut him off, “Dean needs to get over his hang ups. This isn't about you Cas.”  
“Actually, according to Collette, you're wrong Sam.” Cas shifted his gaze to the outline of Deans’ body in the car. He could almost see the lines of tension radiating off of him. “The story of Cain and how he killed his brother, Collette, and Abaddon- Collette made the parallels to our own situation very clear.”  
Sam swallowed hard as he shoved his hands in the front of his jacket, his eyes traveling up to the nights sky.  
Cas continued. “And in that parallel, Collette has attributed her position in Cain’s life to my position in Dean’s.”  
Sam nodded sharply. “Yes but-”  
Cas shook his head. “Dean is assuming that because I have been placed in the role of the lover, that we will all assume he is harboring romantic feelings for me, and that makes him uncomfortable.”  
Sam stared down at the angel, his face contorted in confusion. He waited for Cas to continue.  
“I think we both know how unlikely that is. The fact that my position in Dean’s life has been likened to Collette's in Cain’s life, is merely just a symbol of a strongly bonded relationship.” Cas sighed for a moment, a wistful expression gracing his features for an instant before reverting back to concern. “I think it’s best if you do not makes jokes at Dean’s expense about this. We don't know how strongly the mark is effecting him at the moment, and we don't want to push him.”  
Sam continued to stare down at Cas, his eyes widening for a moment during Cas’ explanation before returning a blank expression to his face.  
“Alright.” He rolled his eyes as he pulled open the front door of the car. “But if you fly away right now- it'll only upset him more. Trust me. Get in the car Cas.”  
Castiel waited another moment before taking a deep breath and getting in the backseat of the Impala.  
He kept his eyes on the back of Dean’s head the entire drive home, occasionally drifting up to his reflection in the rearview mirror.

Dean never took his eyes off the road.


	2. The Enemy, The Lover, The Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Collette throws some knowledge at the men.
> 
> Dean just wants to hide under the covers.
> 
> Sam and Cas come clean.

“I am very sorry for your circumstance, but i do not see how i can be of help.” 

Cas stared into the empty space between the men at the table. Collette’s soft voice rang in their ears as they did their best to ask the right questions.  
“Please Collette, if there is anything you could tell us to help us remove the mark, anything that you wish you could have done for Cain, anything at all-” Cas cut himself off, fearing his tone was becoming far too desperate.  
“You say that Cain has revealed the man’s fate already, that he is living Cain’s life in reverse. If that is so, then you should expect for him to kill the enemy first, then the lover, then the brother.”  
“Lover?” Sam asked, his voice hitching in an attempt to hide a shock of laughter that threatened to escape.  
Dean stiffened in his seat, his eyes traveling over to Cas slowly, holding the angels gaze for a moment before lowering his lids and shifting his eyes to the table.  
“Yes.” Collette answered.  
“Is there anything you could have done to stop him Collette? Is there something you wished you had done differently?” Cas asked the room, his eyes searching the invisible particles that hung above the table.  
“Cain told me that i had pulled him out of darkness. That is was my love and forgiveness that held his darkness at bay for so long. It was always apparent however, that Cain didn't believe he deserved my love. He would never fully accept it, even after we were together. It was always painted on his face- the guilt, the self-loathing that threatened to tear him away from me. Eventually, the darkness in his soul was too great- and I wasn't enough to keep him together.”  
Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat, the discussion of Cain’s personal struggles mirrored his own so greatly, it felt like he himself was being psychoanalyzed. His grip on Cas’ hand tightened for a moment and he found a soothing warmth spread over him as Cas took his thumb and rubbed it against the back of Dean’s hand. Dean felt his heart begin to thump loudly at the intimate contact and felt the urge to pull away but curbed it, knowing it would break the connection with Collette.  
Dean heard Oliver sigh in annoyance and he tried to bring his thoughts back to the conversation at hand.  
“So you’re saying, that Cain needed to conquer his personal demons if he was ever going to fight off the real one?” Sam knew he was reaching but it made enough sense to him that he went for it.  
“Yes, i think that's a fair assessment. If Cain had learned to love himself, i don't believe he would have found himself shrouded in darkness the way he did. If he had really opened himself up to the love I had for him, to the love he believed he didnt deserve, I think Cain would have never returned to darkness and we would have spent the rest of our lives together.”  
Dean felt something in his mind snap and he stood up abruptly, snatching his hands from Cas and Sam and ending the conversation with Collette.  
“Nice going man. What the hell?” Sam asked.  
“This is stupid. She doesn't know anything. We’re finished here.” Dean spat back as he turned away from the table and headed for the door.  
“I see.” Oliver’s voice coaxed Dean into turning around. “You don't want to accept the answer to your question, because you don't want to accept the truth.”  
Dean stared back at the mind reader with a snarl on his lips.  
“It will be the death of you.” Oliver warned. “Not to mention the two of them as well.”  
Dean could feel what could only be described as a growl throbbing at the base of his throat and he swallowed hard to suppress it.  
He held Oliver’s hard gaze for another moment before turning sharply and walking out the front door, leaving the door wide open.

****

Dean did his best to relax into the memory foam that now supported his body. He was thinking over the nights events in the privacy of his bedroom, trying his best to work out the details of what had happened.  
Dean knew his feelings for Cas weren't just a result of their years of fighting together side by side. There was a connection between them that he had never felt before. It was strong, and consuming, and definitely not platonic.  
As his thoughts roamed over Collette’s words earlier he couldn't get past her use of the word lover.  
Cas wasn’t Dean’s lover, but for all intents and purposes he might as well be. Dean had finally admitted to himself that being with Cas was something he wanted, but he knew he didn't deserve a love like that. After everything he had done, after all the damage he had caused, there was no way Dean was going to allow himself to bring Cas down with him. Any love Dean could give to Cas would be tainted, Cas’ own purity would dissolve into the darkness that thrives in Dean’s soul.  
Dean refused to let that happen. The realization that Cain had also struggled with self-hatred made Dean even more confident in his resolve to keep pushing Cas away. If he never let Cas love him, maybe Dean could protect him from himself.  
Cain got Collette killed when he let her close, when he let her be with him.  
Dean wasnt going to make that mistake. 

****

Sam sat in the kitchen at the bunker with a beer and a large book that took a larger book in order to decipher. He huffed and sighed and groaned until finally Cas’ voice came from behind him.  
“Not making much progress Sam?”  
Sam whipped his head around to face the angel and then turned back to the books in front of him. He let out another deep breath before answering. “Nope.”  
Sam pushed the books away from him and picked up the beer that had beads of sweat dripping onto the table. He brought the bottle to his lips and took a long sip before continuing. “I mean, what the hell am I even looking for? I think maybe looking in the yellow pages under psychologist would be a better solution than anything else.”  
“Do you think Dean would ever consent to seeing a mental health professional?” Cas asked incredulously as he took a seat next to Sam.  
“No.” Sam rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “Of course not. Its Dean.”  
Sam waited a moment before asking, “Any progress with Metatron?”  
“He is asleep. Or unconscious. I’m not really sure.” Cas said impassively.  
“Dean still doesnt know he is in the dungeon.” Sam informed him.  
“Is there a reason you are keeping it from him?” Cas asked, his head tilting slightly.  
“Not really...I dont know. I guess i dont want him to get his hopes up.” Sam said sadly.  
“Right.” Cas breathed out and leaned back in his seat. His head cocked to the side for a moment before pursing his lips slightly and leaning forward again. “He is coming. I think after what happened earlier tonight it’d be best for him if I wasn't here right now.”  
“Cas I don't think-” Sam’s words were cut off by the sound of fluttered wings and the angel vanished.  
Sam blinked a few times then let out another huff as his brother entered the kitchen.  
“Sammy.” Dean said in greeting, his head nodding slightly to his brother as he made his way to the fridge to grab a beer.  
“Dean.” Sam replied, his voice mocking his brother’s.  
Dean popped open the beer and emptied almost half its contents into his mouth before turning to face his brother and leaning against the counter.  
“So, any progress Freud?”  
“Funny.” Sam replied, a look of annoyance peppered on his face. “I don't know why you cant take this more seriously. If you would just try to heal, you know- psychologically- then maybe...” Sam trailed off, unsure of how to continue.  
“What Sammy? Maybe I’ll heal the mark all on my own by giving myself a big hug and letting out those big puppy dog tears that i’ve held in for so long?” Dean rolled his eyes. “Give me a break. Nothing I do is going to stop this thing except for me to just fight against it.”  
“You heard what Collette said Dean. Maybe you should take it seriously.”  
Dean just sighed and shook his head that now hung towards the floor.  
“You don't get it Sam.” He paused a moment before bringing his eyes up to meet his brothers. “Maybe what she said about Cain was right, maybe that's how i feel about myself too...but that doesn't matter.” His voice changed then and came out harsher. “This is the way it is Sam. I am who I am and nothing is going to change that. Everything Collette said- all of it- it doesn't matter because it doesn't change a damn thing about our situation.”  
Sam averted his eyes down to the beer that continued to sweat down his hand. He took in a breath and tried to steady his voice as he asked a question he knew could send Dean flying out of the room.  
“And Cas? What about what she said about him?”  
Dean turned his beer up again at that, wanting to hide the expression he was positive would betray his true feelings on the subject. He finished his beer quickly and turned his back towards the fridge to grab another.  
“Dean?” Sam asked again, willing his brother to acknowledge him.  
Dean summoned the strength to look at his brother but couldn't come up with anything to say.  
So he didn't.  
Dean took his beer and walked back to his room, ignoring his brother’s call from behind him.

****

“I don't think that’s wise Dean.” Castiel said softly, his head cowering slightly.  
“Yeah well, when have i ever done anything that could be described as wise?”  
Cas looked up to Dean then, his stare unrelenting.  
Dean met Cas’ intense gaze, an action he found so easy despite the negativity in his friends eyes.  
Dean eventually let his eyes roll and placed his hands on his hips as he let out a sigh in frustration. “Cas, what do you want me to do huh? I’m not going to get rid of this thing, its not possible- despite what Collette said. And you two running around behind my back, breaking scribes out of heaven’s jail, is just stupid. Just let me handle this.”  
Cas continued to stare at Dean, his shoulders slouching slightly in defeat when he eventually looked back to Sam.  
Sam let out a sigh and shrugged apologetically.  
When he didn't find the support he was looking for, Cas turning back to Dean and stepped closer.  
“Dean, Metatron could have the answers. I don't see why we shouldn't try to do everything we can do get them out of him.”  
“And what? We just keep him locked in our dungeon until he decides to come up with some piss poor excuse for a cure? What makes you think he will talk Cas?”  
“I stole his grace Dean, he is mortal now. Metatron doesn't wish to die, and now he can. I think we can use that to our advantage. Perhaps there is more to all of this than we realize.” Cas took another step closer. If Dean reached out, he could feel the stubble on Cas’ cheek if he wanted.  
Dean could feel the air thicken as the space lessened between them and he swallowed hard. He tried to ignore the overwhelming feeling that coated him whenever Cas was close.  
“Dean.” Cas paused a moment. His face clearly deliberating over something before his hand raised up to Dean’s shoulder, grasping him firmly but tenderly.  
Dean’s eyes traveled to the angel’s hand on his shoulder, meer inches away from the place he marked him the first time Cas touched Dean.  
Somehow, Dean found himself staring back at Cas again, not remembering when his gaze shifted. His heart rate quickened at the intensity of the blue eyed stare and he had to work to keep his breath even.  
When Cas opened his mouth to speak again, Dean found himself looking to his lips, absorbing the way they pressed together and the curve of his lower lip. His stomach flipped at the brief thought of what it would feel like to bring that lip between his own.  
Cas’ voice was soft but pleading.  
“Let me help you.”  
Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat but neither Cas or Dean noticed. Their eyes continued to lock together as their bodies seemed to shake in the vibrations of the moment.  
Dean realized he should say something but he couldn't find the words.  
He settled for a word that fell like silk from his tongue.  
“Cas..” Dean shook his head slightly as wet heat formed around his eyes, which averted to the floor.  
“Dean,” Cas took another step forward, his face only inches from Dean’s. “Please.”  
The word hung in the air, making it hot and sticky. Dean’s skin began to prickle and the hair on his arms stood up in newly formed goosebumps. The heat from Cas’ gaze as well as the warmth of his hand on Dean’s shoulder had his head swimming and he was having trouble thinking straight.  
“I...” Dean shuffled his feet slightly so that his body faced Cas’ head on. “I...don't want you or Sam to get hurt trying to fix my mistakes. I cant...” He trailed off, letting his head fall sadly.  
“Dean i think i speak for Sam and I both, when I say that you are worth every risk.”  
Cas’ voice soothed the part of Dean that was ready to grab the nearest sharp object and bury it into his own chest.  
Dean didn't believe he was worth anything, let alone the lives of the most important people in his life. But the way Cas stared at him, with the weight from his hand on Dean shoulder, it made Dean falter in his resolve to go at this alone.  
He swallowed again as he pursed his lips, looking to his brother’s anxious stare before bringing his attention back to the angel before him.  
“I’m not worth either of your lives Cas. But I wont stop you from talking to Metatron.”  
Cas let out a breath he was unaware he was holding and let his lips curl into a relieved smile. He squeezed Dean’s shoulder softly before letting his hand drop and turning and walking out of the room towards the bunker’s basement.

*****

Sam watched as Dean kept his eyes on their retreating friend.  
Dean didn't move for a full minute, staring into the space that Cas had just occupied.  
Sam let out an exasperated breath before opening his mouth to speak the words he could no longer hold back.  
“Are we ever going to talk about this?” Sam asked harshly.  
Dean continued to stare off into the void for another moment before blinking rapidly and narrowing his eyes at Sam.  
“Talk about what? The mark? I’m pretty sure we just covered it.” Dean threw up his hands. “I give in. Do what you want Sammy.”  
Dean began to walk out of the room before Sam stood up and moved to block his exit.  
“No, not the mark Dean.” Sam shifted uncomfortably for a moment before crossing his arms across his broad chest.  
“Well out with it then.” Dean said, hands on his hips again and an annoyed look on his face.  
“Are we going to continue to ignore the very large elephant in the room?”  
Sam paused for a second, carefully selecting his next words. “You and Cas....Dean, are we going to talk about what’s going on between you guys?”  
Dean stared back at his brother for a beat, trying to convince himself that Sam hadn't picked up on the very real feelings Dean had for Castiel.  
Sam looked anxious, like he was afraid of Dean’s reaction, he knew Dean was going to be upset about the question.  
You and Cas.  
You and Cas.  
You and Cas.  
Dean’s face transformed to one of shock at his brother’s all too complicated question. He couldn't believe Sam had just asked him this. His expression quickly transformed to anger and he let himself seethe for a second before forcing himself to go blank.  
He smoothed out his features as quickly as he could, trying not to let Sam in on the emotional hurricane he was going through in the moment.  
When Dean didn't say anything, Sam pressed.  
“Dean?”  
Dean nodded curtly before stepping closer to his brother with his finger pointed into Sam’s chest.  
“Sam. I’m only going to say this once. We are not talking about this.” His voice was threatening and it made Sam take a step back. “Do you understand?”  
Sam’s eyes widened and he nodded slowly.  
“Do not bring it up again.” Dead added, his voice a menacing assault.  
Sam could see Dean’s eyes darken so intensely he wondered if they would flick to black. Sam blinked a few times before swallowing back the fear that threatened to surface.  
“Okay Dean. Sorry.” Sam said softly before absorbing the push of Dean’s shoulder into his side as his brother moved past him and out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapter in one day!  
> I couldn't be stopped.  
> But now I must feed myself.


	3. It's Worth a Knock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas tortures Metatron into telling him about the Mark's cure.
> 
> Sam encourages Cas to talk to Dean.

Castiel entered the Men of Letters dungeon with his head lowered to the ground. He was deep in thought, and wasn't aware of how far he had entered until he was practically standing on top Metatron.  
As he left Dean upstairs he felt an intense pull of gravity coaxing him back to where Dean still stood. It was this overwhelming feeling of being needed, that made Cas look over his shoulder as he turned down the hall and out of view. He caught a glimpse of Dean, still staring down the hall at Cas, his face showing a wide range of emotions Castiel couldn't pinpoint.  
There was one feeling he was sure of though, the longing. Dean longed for Cas to return to him in that moment and Castiel had felt incredibly conflicted. On the surface, he knew that Dean would never say such a thing out loud. He had only admitted his dependence on Castiel during the most distressing of times, and Cas was fairly certain that the conversation they had upstairs would not qualify.  
But even before the longing Castiel felt as he left Dean, there was a moment he had shared with Dean upstairs, and it was significant. Dean had relented and gave his blessing for Cas and Sam to continue their search for a cure, something that Castiel was sure was difficult for him to do. There was a moment though, where Dean looked at Castiel and a feeling radiated all over his body. It was as if Dean had wings himself, and were wrapping Cas in them, soothing him with his presence. It startled Cas, seeing how he was supposed to be the one comforting Dean in this situation but Castiel was sure of what he felt, of what he saw in Dean’s eyes.  
Dean hadn't agreed to look into what Metatron knew because Dean wanted to find the cure, he gave in because he knew it would make Cas happy. He was putting Cas’ feelings before his own, something that wasn't unique to this situation, but it felt important somehow. Castiel felt it in a different way this time.  
Castiel hadn't given much thought to the intricacies of his relationship with Dean in quite some time. With the war in heaven, there hadn't been much time to examine his own personal attachment to Dean Winchester. As far as he was concerned, Dean was the kind of man who was worth fighting for. He had proven himself to be righteous and good, and Castiel knew he would follow Dean to the ends of the earth if that's where their journey led them. There were times, of course, that human emotions would sneak up on Castiel and he would find himself wishing for more time with Dean. His stares would linger over the contours of Dean’s face or the curves of his body. Castiel knew this wasn't appropriate behavior for him to engage in when Dean had shown no clear interest in Cas, but still, there were times he found himself unable to think of much else.  
Castiel was grateful for his relationship with both Winchester brothers. The kindness, and gentle nature of Sam was comforting. Castiel felt brotherly towards him, just as he felt for some of his own kin. With Dean however, the devotion Cas felt wasn’t the same as he felt with Sam. It was passionate, an all consuming commitment that he never expected to form, and had no hope of ending. Every piece of Cas needed to be there for Dean when he called, needed to be near Dean when his own problems became too much of a burden. He trusted the brothers in a way that he hadn't trusted anyone else in a very long time.  
“What? No pizza?” Metatron’s scowl brought Castiel back to the room, and to the reason he had come down to the dungeon.  
“You may have dinner when you have given me some answers Metatron.” Castiel replied, his voice flat.  
He crossed the room to a table that held different instruments, something Castiel would have shivered at just a few years prior. Now though, he picked up a sharp knife with ease, not enjoying the moment by any means, but not letting it effect him either.  
“Oh I see, come to torture it out of me then?” Metatron asked, his voice incredulous.  
“If it comes to that.” Castiel replied, his face unwavering in its coldness.  
Metatron sighed. “I see. Well, have at it then. Its not like I’m a fountain of knowledge on the mark you know...but if I know the answer, I’ll do my best to enlighten you.”  
Castiel nodded. “Alright.” He walked over to stand in front of Metatron who was strapped to the chair in the center of the room.  
“I have heard from others that the Mark can be cured, that it isn't as damning as it was originally believed to be.”  
Metatron shrugged. “Well that's news to me.”  
Castiel shot Metatron a harsh look before leaning forward and driving the scalpel into the space above his knee without warning.  
Metatron screamed in shock and writhed in his seat. “Holy fuck Castiel!” Metatron panted, staring down at the scalpel that Cas had left in his knee. “What happened to you?”  
Cas ignored Metatron’s accusation and kept his voice even as he asked again.  
“The mark. Can it be removed?”  
Metatron sneered for another moment. “Maybe. I don't know for sure.”  
Cas reached forward and snatched the scalpel from Metatron’s knee quickly.  
“Ugh!” Metatron grunted as the metal left his body and blood poured over his knit pants.  
“I’m listening.”  
“Damnit Castiel, I don't have the answer you’re looking for okay? Its a curse, yes. Most curses can be lifted, okay? Do i know how to lift this one? No.”  
Castiel studied the small man glaring at him in the chair before him. He watched as Metatron’s eyes shifted uncomfortably under Cas’ gaze for just a fraction of a second before steeling again.  
“You’re lying.” Castiel declared quietly, his tone becoming more harsh.  
“You cant know that.” Metatron taunted.  
“What do you get out of this Metatron? Why would you be so unwilling to help Dean Winchester. How does it benefit you?”  
Metatron let out a barking laugh for a moment before letting out a deep breath.  
“You are deeply stupid Castiel. All this time spent with humans and you still don't understand the notion of self-preservation.”  
Castiel thought about that for a moment, his brow furrowing slightly.  
“How does keeping Dean cursed with the Mark of Cain keep you alive?”  
“Information Castiel, information is power. You are convinced I have something you want. I have no interest in living a human life without some rewards for helping you here.”  
Castiel stared down at Metatron with his eyes narrowed in disgust.  
“You’re saying you do not care if i kill you. But that if i give you what you want, you will give me the information i need.”  
“Essentially.” Metatron plastered a cheap grin on his face.  
Castiel sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling.  
“What is it that you want then?”  
“Just your basic perfect human existence. You know, fame- fortune- a handsome man on my arm for the fancy events.” Metatron looked down at himself. “If I’m stuck in this vessel then i think I deserve enough money to buy myself a lover.”  
Castiel let out a breath in annoyance. “You cant be serious.”  
“Oh Castiel- I never joke about love.”  
“Fine. Those things can be arranged Metatron.”  
“Uh-Uh,” Metatron wagged his finger under the shackles of his chains. “I'm going to need your word on this. Officially.”  
Cas let out another breath in irritation but began speaking Enochian. He placed his fingers to Metatron’s forehead as he finished.  
“Its done. But you aren't being released until I have the information you promised.”  
“I figured as much.” Metatron smiled sweetly and cocked his head to the side. “Oh Castiel. You really don't pay attention to the things going on all around you. To the history of our species.”  
Castiel waited for him to continue, unwilling to partake in the game of cat and mouse Metatron was trying to goad him into.  
When Cas didn't say anything Metatron rolled his eyes and leaned his head back against the chair.  
“Its you, you idiot.” He finally said, another devilish grin gracing his face.  
“What?” Cas questioned. “Are you attempting to joke with me? I’m not interested in your games Metatron.”  
“Oh Castiel- i told you, i never joke about love.” He answered sweetly.  
Cas narrowed his eyes at the scribe, bending down and leaning closer to him.  
“Explain yourself.”  
“Seriously?” Metatron let out a huff of air before sitting back up in his seat straight. “Love, Castiel. When our father made the humans, what did he tell us of them?”  
“He told us to love them.” Cas answered without pause.  
“Yes. that's right.” Metatron nodded emphatically. “He told us to love them.”  
He paused another moment, hoping Cas would come up with the rest on his own but was once again disappointed in the angel’s blank stare. He rolled his eyes and continued.  
“The Mark of Cain is a curse of blind hatred. Born of jealousy and violence, there is no love in the Mark.” He paused a moment, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly as if he regretted the words he was about to say.  
“When God allowed the mark to be given, he only did so with the express instruction that it could be removed with love.”  
Cas interrupted. “That doesn't make any sense. Collette loved Cain and he still killed her. It didn't matter.”  
“You are missing a major component here Castiel.” Metatron shook his head. “As angels our ability to love far outshines that of humans. It was never God’s intention to have the mark be healed by a human. Humans fall in love all the time, they give their hearts away so easily that they are constantly being broken. Angels, however, we really know how to do it right. When an angel loves a human, that is the true essence of love. An angel would not fall for an ordinary human, the human would have to be special, he would have to be deserving of that Angel’s love for the Angel to even fall in love in the first place. Its the kind of love God created first. Its the purest and most beautiful version.”  
Castiel’s eyes began to widened as he caught on to what Metatron was telling him.  
“Do you see now Castiel?” Metatron leaned as far forward as the chains would allow. “To remove the Mark of Cain, Dean Winchester needs an angel’s love.”  
Castiel stood up quickly, his mind racing and his vessel’s heart beating extremely fast.  
“Oh that's right,” Metatron quipped. “He already has an angel in love with him.” He chuckled softly. “How lucky for him.”  
Castiel launched forward, gripping the scribes shirt in his hands and pushing his chest hard against the back of the chair. “If you are lying to me Metatron-”  
“I'm not lying!” Metatron gasped out, his ability to take in air constricted by Castiel’s assault. “But there is something else!”  
Castiel released his grip on the fallen angel, and he backed away as he stared down at him.  
“Its not enough just to love him. Loving is the easy part. Sacrifice- that's really at the heart of love...wouldn't you say?” Metatron’s voice teased, but his face stayed sober.  
“Sacrifice.” Castiel repeated. “My sacrifice.”  
“Not exactly, but yes.” Metatron corrected. “You will have to sacrifice of yourself, but its not the life of an angel the mark requires.”  
“Then what?” Cas pleaded, his desperation almost bringing him to his knees.  
“Its your grace Castiel.” Metatron explained. “Your grace is the key to saving Dean Winchester.”  
“But my grace is borrowed, you took my own for the spell to cast the angels out of heaven.” Cas’ tone became harsh again, his body tensing in anger.  
“That is of no importance. Its not the Grace itself but the sacrifice, thats what matters.” Metatron exclaimed. “Your willingness to live and die as a human to save Dean Winchester, thats what this is all about.”

****

Sam felt guilty for eaves dropping on Cas and Metatron’s conversation but couldn't bring himself to leave after he heard Metatron begin explaining how to remove the mark. Suddenly the walls seemed to crash down around him as the full weight of their conversation hit him.  
Cas was in love with Dean.  
Cas was in love with Dean.  
Sam just kept repeating it in his head over and over, trying to wrap his head around it.  
Of course he knew that Cas had developed a very strong relationship with Dean. If he remembered correctly, Cas had called it a profound bond. These days, Sam was fairly confident that Dean’s feelings for Cas were something much deeper than even Dean was willing to admit, but Sam couldn't get a good handle on what Cas felt for Dean.  
He had of course sacrificed everything for him, he rebelled against heaven, he gave up and entire army to save him. Sam knew these things to be true but he wasn't sure if that was all a result of some angel devotion thing, and not necessarily romantic love.  
But now, it seemed like he was wrong. Cas did love Dean. In a way that Sam was almost positive Dean returned.  
This entire situation was incredibly sad and frustrating to Sam.  
Why couldn't they just tell each other how they felt?  
Why did they just dance around each other for the last six years?  
They were just idiots.  
Sam snickered to himself quietly as he turned around to head back upstairs.  
“Sam?” Castiel’s voice came from behind him.  
“Shit.” Sam breathed out. He turned around slowly. “Hey Cas.”  
Cas shifted uncomfortably for a moment before turning around and closing the doors to the dungeon.  
“Hey!” Sam could hear Metatron’s voice yelling from inside before the doors shut. “What about our deal?”  
Cas yelled through the crack in the door before closing it completely.”When it works.”  
Cas turned back around to face Sam and walked towards him.  
“So, I can assume that you heard my conversation with the scribe?” Castiel said softly.  
“Uh- well,” Sam thought about lying but decided there had been enough people doing that lately, “Yeah. Yeah I heard Cas.”  
Castiel nodded. “I think it would be best to keep this between us for the time being Sam.”  
Sam thought about that for a moment before nodding in agreement.  
“Okay Cas.”  
“Thank you Sam.” Cas said quietly as he began to move past him.  
“Hey Cas.” Sam reached out to place a hand on Cas upper arm as he turned back to face him. “I think you should tell him how you feel. Leave the rest out for now if you want, but I think it’d be a good idea for you two to talk about this...you know...your feelings for each other.”  
Cas stared up at Sam, his face a wash of confusion. “Our feelings, Sam?”  
“Yes Cas. Both of your feelings." Sam said with a soft smile.  
“You mean to imply that Dean...” He trailed off, the words unwilling to escape his mouth.  
Sam took in a breath and let it out forcefully. “Look, I cant speak for him. I don't know exactly what's going on in his head because he wont talk to me about it.”  
Cas’ face fell noticeably and Sam searched out his eyes again, wanting to comfort his friend.  
“But Cas- Dean had a very strong reaction to me questioning the nature of your relationship earlier. It may mean something else entirely, but i think you give it a shot.” Sam paused a moment, letting that sink in and taking in the hope that spread through Cas’ face. “I see the way you look at each other. Its definitely worth a conversation.”  
Cas smiled for a just a moment before the fear of actually having the conversation began to take hold. “Thank you Sam. Is Dean still awake?”  
Sam shrugged as he dropped his hand to his side. “I don't know, its worth a knock at least.”  
Cas nodded and gave the younger Winchester a smile before turning and heading up the stairs to Dean’s bedroom.  
He could hear the sounds of what he thought might be a nightmare as Cas brought his hand up to knock on Dean’s door. Just as his hand made contact with the door though, he realized the sounds Dean were making weren’t ones of fear, but of pleasure.  
Cas regretted his decision to wake him up immediately and turned away, wanting to respect his friends privacy. He was stopped in his tracks, however, by Dean’s groggy voice through the door.  
“Yeah -come in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided not to address Cas' dwindling grace on purpose. It didn't lend much to the story I wanted to tell.


	4. I Just Want to See...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas talk. Kind of.

Dean rolled over in his bed, the sound of knocking on solid wood coaxing him out of a dream he forgot as soon as his eyes adjusted to the light he had left on.  
He sat up in bed after giving the all clear to the person outside the door.  
“I’m sorry to have woken you Dean.” Cas’ raspy voice came from the doorway as he entered Dean’s bedroom. “There is something though, that i feel we need to discuss.”  
Dean took in the angel’s crisp appearance. He was wearing his usual uniform of slacks, white button down and tan trench coat, but they were unusually straight. Dean was used to the disheveled appearance of Cas’ clothing, so it took him a moment to adjust to the sight. In fact, it took Dean quite awhile to get used to Cas without his blue tie too. He sometimes missed the tie, despite the fire that built in Dean’s chest at the sight of Cas’ chest sneaking up through his opened collar.  
Cas watched as Dean looked him up and down for a moment before narrowing his eyes and tilting in head questioningly.  
“Dean?”  
The sound of his name on Cas’ tongue brought Dean back to the moment and he shook his head slightly as he averted his gaze and swung his legs over the side of his bed.  
“Uh, Yeah.” Dean rubbed his forehead roughly. “Sorry Cas. What's up?”  
Dean stood up and moved around the edge of the bed so that he was standing only a few feet away from Cas.  
“Are you alright Dean?” Cas asked, noticing the steady rise in his friends heartbeat.  
Dean couldn't help but flash through the various things he wanted to do with Cas in this moment. They were inches away from his bed and Dean couldn't stop thinking about what it would feel like to take his thumb and smooth out the confused wrinkles forming over Cas’ forehead.  
“What? Yeah man, sorry.” Dean brought his hand up to rest on the back of his neck. “Still half asleep, that's all.”  
Cas nodded slowly, an unconvinced look staring back at Dean.  
“Really Cas, I’m fine.” Dean took another step forward. “What is it you wanted to talk to me about? Metatron?”  
Cas paused for a moment, keeping his eyes on Dean’s face, shifting his gaze down to the lower lip Dean was unconsciously biting.  
“Uh- Yes. Metatron. I’ve just spoken with him and I think-” Cas stopped mid-sentence as he watched Dean take another step forward.  
Dean wasn't sure what made him do it. There was just this overwhelming urge to have as little distance as possible between them. Maybe it was the mark, clouding his better judgment but Dean couldn't help himself from bringing his body forward.  
The angel was finding it difficult to continue as he watched Dean’s body move closer and closer.  
“I-I think there....there is more to..” Cas tried to continue his train of thought but the words were lost in the sudden sprint of thoughts flying through his brain.  
Dean could see the angel’s confusion at Dean’s proximity, a distance Dean had set himself. Cas tried to take in a breath but found it hitching in his throat and he had to swallow back a whimper as Dean inched even closer.  
“Cas...” Dean began. He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't know how his body was making these moves without his express permission, but it was. He was moving closer to Cas and it felt like he was inching towards the most beautiful sunset that had ever graced the earth. His body tingled, his heart pounded, and his mind went completely blank as Dean brought his hand up to Cas’ face and laid it gently across his cheek.  
They stood there, face to face, green meeting blue, their breaths coming in and going out at a rhythm neither of them knew was synchronized. Dean could see mountainous streams in the irises of Cas’ eyes and wanted so desperately to bathe in them.  
The lines of confusion across Cas’ forehead were back, and Dean once again found himself moving before his mind had a chance to catch up. He reached his thumb up to Cas’ forehead and slowly rubbed across the lines, coaxing Cas to relax, as a small smile graced the side of Dean’s mouth.  
“Dean?” Cas whispered, his voice low and full of questions Dean had no intention of answering.  
“I don't know Cas.” Dean said softly. He dipped his head down slightly, turning it slightly so that their mouths were almost aligned. Dean whispered, “I just want to see...” against Cas’ lips before gently pressing them together.  
The angel was frozen under Dean’s lips for a long moment before Dean felt hands slide up his arms, grasping his biceps. Cas pressed himself into the kiss as he let out a sound that made Dean shiver and wrap the arm not currently cradling Cas’ face around his waist.  
Dean almost gasped as he felt Cas’ tongue slip between his lips, his own mouth opening eagerly to accept it. The kiss was slow and deep and building to something Dean knew could have the potential to destroy him completely. He couldn't stop himself though, he didn't want to stop. He pushed himself into Cas’ hips, pulling his waist against his own. Their tongues began to wrestle for dominance as Dean pulled Cas with him as he moved backwards towards the bed.  
Cas was squeezing Dean’s arms tightly, his fingers getting wrapped in the fabric before moving down to Dean’s hips and grasping at the waist of his pajama pants. Dean could feel himself hard and throbbing, pressing against Cas’ leg and he couldn't help but grind into him as Cas dipped his fingertips below the hem of his pants.  
Dean spun them around so that the back of Cas’ knees hit the bed’s edge and laid them down together. He could hear Cas’ shoes dropping to the floor as he slid out of them and opened his legs so that Dean could lay between them. Their lips continued to move together, their kiss passionate and messy as their hands explored each other’s bodies.  
Dean found himself kissing down the side of Cas’ neck, enjoying the burn of Cas’ stubble on his lips as he kissed and sucked his way down to the collar of Cas’ shirt.  
Cas let out another moan, which elicited a mimicking groan from Dean who grinded himself down into Castiel’s hardness. Cas bucked his hips up to gain more friction and Dean was momentarily blind as he fumbled with Cas’ shirt buttons. He needed to feel him, skin to skin, nothing between them. As Cas continued to move his hips eagerly against Dean’s, Dean couldn't think straight enough to be bothered with the buttons anymore and he propped himself up enough to get both hands on the edges of Cas’ shirt and torn it open, popping buttons along the way.  
Cas’ eyes flew open at the sight of Dean on top of him, pulling his own T-shirt up and over his head smoothly. Cas’ heart rate quickened at the muscular man above him and smiled in appreciation. Dean smirked back down to him as he helped Cas out of his shirt and trench coat before throwing them both to the ground.  
Dean leaned forward as soon as the clothes were gone from his hands and crashed his lips back into to Cas’, bringing out his tongue and tasting the angel’s mouthh.  
Their hips moved together, pushing their covered cocks together and groaning in pleasure.  
“Dean” Cas gasped as Dean kissed his way down Cas’ chest. “Pants. Take them off.” He panted as he watched Dean lick around his nipple then bring it into his mouth, biting the tip gently before releasing it again.  
“Oh.. Dean.” Cas moaned in pleasure. Dean smiled at his ability to make the angel writhe beneath him and he brought his hands to the waist band of his pajama pants and pulled them down, boxers too, in one quick movement. He used his feet to help push them off his legs all of the way as he worked the fastener on Cas’ pants.  
Dean looked up to Cas as he pulled his pants down, freeing his already wet member, and sliding them from his legs to the floor.  
Their bodies came together again, this time with nothing between them and they moved against each other. Dean reached between them and took both of their cocks in his hands and spread the precum down and around their cocks to slicken them. With Dean’s hands on him Cas let out a gasp, followed by something Dean didn't understand and assumed was Enochian pillow talk. It sounded sexy as hell though, and it made Dean desperate to kiss Cas again.  
Dean removed his hand from their cocks and brought both of his hands up to Castiel’s which were laying next to his head. Dean intertwined his fingers with Cas’, as he gave him a long and deep kiss while increasing the rate of his hips grinding into Cas’.  
“Oh...fuck...Cas.” Dean moaned against Cas’ mouth. Dean began to fall to pieces as their cocks slid against one another, trapped together between their stomachs. His grip on Cas’ hands strengthened as they moved faster and faster, both of them eager for the release to come.  
Dean’s vision began to get hazy then, the room began to shake and morph and his grip on what he thought was Cas’ hands beneath him dissipated.

Dean jerked awake at the sound of the knocking at his door.

 

He sat up quickly, the dream still fresh in his mind. He felt like he could still taste Cas in his mouth as he called out.  
“Yeah- Come in.”  
Dean realized in that moment that his erection was pretty damn obvious through the thin sheet and adjusted himself so that he was sitting up but forward slightly, and grabbed the extra pillow to throw over his lap.  
The door opened slightly and Dean knew it was Cas on the other side.  
“Cas- just come in already if you’re going to.” Dean called out, willing his mind to forget the way he had just been thinking of Cas, feeling Cas, kissing Cas...  
Cas appeared behind the door and stepped inside the room.  
His appearance was a far cry from the man who starred in Dean’s dream that night. He wasn't wearing his tan trench coat for one, half of his white button down shirt was untucked and rolled up to the elbows, and the hair that had been clean and styled in the dream now stood up in various directions.  
“God Cas. You need some rest buddy.” Dean tried to sound light but he was pretty sure the strain in his voice was noticeable. “Metatron rough you up and take your coat?”  
Cas looked down at himself and felt his cheeks flush slightly before meeting Dean’s gaze.  
“I took off the coat before I interrogated him. I didn't want to get blood on it.” Cas looked down as he stepped farther into the room. “I really hate the laundry mat.”  
“We’ve got a washer and dryer here man, help yourself.” Dean said.  
He could feel his erection heading towards half mast and he was grateful. When Cas walked in, Dean was worried he would have to grab his other pillow to hide his harndess though. Despite how wrecked he looked, Dean couldn't help but find the way Cas’ white shirt was rolled up, like he had been working with his hands, incredibly sexy. He was able to suppress his arousal just enough though, at the thought of how concerned Cas looked in that moment.  
“Thank you Dean. That's very hospitable.” Cas said with a slight smile.  
Their eyes were locked on one another again and Dean found it nearly impossible to look away, but he did. If he wanted to go limp, he would have to nix the eye sex right now. He didn't know how long he could get away with sitting in bed with a pillow over his junk before Cas began to suspect something.  
“So, what’s up Cas? You’re looking a little worse for the wear tonight.”  
“Yes. I supposed my appearance does look a bit troubling.” Cas looked down again and pulled the edge of his untucked shirt into his pants quickly. “I should have thought about that before I...” Cas trailed off, keeping his eyes on the floor ahead of him.  
“Before what?” Dean asked, finally feeling confident that his dick was flacid enough to stand. He pushed the pillow off of his lap and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. He rounded the end of the bed to stand closer to Cas, but still with half the room between them.  
“Before... I came to talk to you.” Cas said hesitantly, his blue eyes finally finding the strength to meet green again.  
“Okay...” Dean thought about what that meant for a moment before stepping past it and moving on. “What is it you want to talk to me about that couldn't have waited until after i got my four hours?” He could hear the aggravation in his own voice which surprised him but he didn't apologize.  
He had to remember that what had happened in his dream with Cas, that wasn't real. What’s real is what is happening with the mark and getting close to Cas will only put him in more danger. Besides, Dean couldn't imagine Cas actually acting like he had in the dream anyway. There was no way the angel could reciprocate the kind of feelings that were coarsing through Dean at the moment.  
Cas was caught off gaud for a moment by Dean’s tone but shook it off. “I’m sorry Dean, its just...I was talking to Sam and he believes it would be in both of our best interest to have a discussion.”  
Dean’s brow furrowed for a moment. He couldn't figure out why but his heart began to race and his cheeks went hot at Cas’ words.  
“A discussion?” Dean asked warily. “A discussion about what?”  
Cas took a step forward, pursing his lips in determination. “About us, Dean.”  
Dean felt like he was hit in the gut. The air in his lungs were forced out in a violent push and he found himself struggling to catch his breath. He blinked rapidly and his vision began to blur which confused him until he realized he was shaking his head.  
“Cas. Don't.” He managed to get out before turning around and giving his friend his back.  
“Dean.” Cas’ voice was soft and soothing. He didn't want to upset Dean but Sam was right. This reaction, even though Castiel hadn't even said anything yet, was extremely dramatic.  
“Seriously Cas.” Dean almost whispered. “I cant- please just....” Dean’s voice broke off and Cas had to fight the urge to run to his friends side and take him into his arms. It was so obvious that Dean was struggling with his relationship with Castiel and Cas didn't know how to comfort him. He didn't know if Dean was upset because he had figured out the extent of Castiel’s feelings for him and that made him uncomfortable, or if it was because he returned those feelings. Either way, Cas could see quite perfectly what Sam was talking about earlier.  
“Dean, I’m not asking you for anything.” Cas said quietly. “I simply would like to relay my own thoughts on our relationship,” He paused for a moment before adding, “And then perhaps when you are ready you can do the same.”  
Dean let out a loud breath that included some sort of guttural sound that worried Castiel  
“Cas!” Dean shouted as he spun around to face the angel. He intended to yell and scream at the angel until Cas dropped it and left, but when his eyes met Cas’ he was lost in them.  
Dean’s lower lip quivered as he tried to suck in a breath. He could feel tears forming behind his eyes. He lowered his head and brought his hands to his hips in a pathetic motion that made Cas begin to tear up as well.  
Dean wanted to tell Cas to run, to get as far away from him as possible. He wanted to make sure Cas never wanted to see him again. Dean had to protect Cas from the mark, from him, and the only way he knew to do that was to push him away. 

But standing in his bedroom, his cheeks wet with silent tears, Dean didn't have the strength to push his best friend away. He didn't have it in him to tell Cas why he should leave Dean behind, because every part of him needed Cas. He needed him so desperately that he couldn't do the right thing. He was weak, and he was selfish.  
He wasn't the righteous man Castiel believed him to be. If he was, he would have let Cas go.  
“Please Dean.” Cas’ deep voice soothed the ache for a moment as Dean did his best to come up with something to say.  
“I’m sorry.” Dean finally said quietly. “I’m just not ready.” He shook his head slightly. “For any of it.”  
Cas took another hesitant step forward, “But you do acknowledge that there is something to discuss. That there is more to this relationship than friendship.”  
“Cas-”  
“Dean, I am not asking you to tell me how you feel. I am merely asking for a sign.”  
Dean thought about that for a moment, Cas’ wavering voice giving him the courage to meet those gorgeous blue eyes again.  
“A sign? What, like passing a note in study hall with ‘Do you like me check yes or no’ written on it?” Dean shook his head with a sad chuckle. “This is way too complicated for that Cas.”  
“Yes. And no, Dean I don't believe it has to be as complicated as you are making it out to be.”  
Dean sighed. “Maybe you’re right Cas.”  
He let himself get lost in his friends gaze again for a moment before speaking again. 

“But I’m still not having this conversation with you right now.”  
Cas’ shoulder’s noticeably sagged at that, and Dean couldn't help but feel the deepest regret at his own cowardice.  
Cas swallowed back whatever it was he was about to say and just nodded.  
“Very well.”  
He wasn't sure he would be able to hold himself together much longer so Cas turned abruptly and began to walk out of the room.  
Cas spoke over his shoulder as he crossed the threshold and walked out of sight.  
“Goodnight Dean.”  
Dean watched with a heartbroken expression as his best friend left him alone, a silent sob escaping as he sunk to his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that emotional rollercoaster ;)


	5. It Was A Part of Your Creation, To Be Loved by Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tells it like it is, Cas is over Dean's shit. 
> 
> Dean makes a decision.

Dean kept his head in his hands for a long time. 

He wasn't really sure how long he let himself sit in misery, feeling sorry for himself like a pathetic child. 

Dean felt at a loss for how he should feel. All of his emotions were tugging him in various directions that led to all different places. He couldn't be proud of himself for not being strong, and pushing Cas away in the way Dean knew he should have. Dean also couldn't suppress the guilt he felt for letting Cas in just enough to hurt him. And of course, he wouldn't allow himself to feel the hope that threatened to spread through him at the thought of Cas returning the affection Dean had been so desperate to hide.

All of this coursed through Dean’s mind and heart, fighting a battle with the darkness that began to push at his edges. It would all be so much simpler if he could just let go, give in to the seductive lure of not caring. 

He remembered how free he felt as a demon, and despite his resolve to never become that thing again, he longed for that feeling in this moment. He wouldn't have to struggle with the soul crushing emotions that tore at him, he could push all of it away. Dean could feel the mark pulling him farther and farther into the pit and he didn't know if he would continue to have the strength to fight back. Especially not with the idea of running away from it all at the front of his mind.

Dean’s mind wandered back to the conversation he almost had with Cas. He had come to see Dean with a purposeful expression on his face and Dean should have known what was coming. Dean didn't, however, expect to hear that Sam was the one to push Cas to talk to him. He thought he had made himself pretty clear that he didn't want to talk about his relationship with Cas. 

The way Sam had brought it up to him before though, troubled Dean.  
He had likened the situation as a giant elephant in the room. 

Was it that obvious? Did everyone see the way Dean looked at Cas? Does Cas see the way he looked at him, the way Dean’s hands found ways to touch him, the way his heart raced when their eyes found each other across the room?

Dean sat there slumped on the edge of his bed until his brother’s voice at his doorway pulled him back to the room.

“Dean?” Sam asked hesitantly. “You okay?”

Dean let out a huff as he brought his hands down to his knees and used them to push himself up to a standing position. “Yeah. I’m peachy Sam.” 

Sam rolled his eyes at his brother’s obvious lie. “Yeah. Right.”

Sam walked into Dean’s room slowly, unsure of what he should expect from his brother. He could see the strain of Dean’s tendons in his neck and wondered if he should anticipate a fight from his older brother. It was obvious Dean was struggling with a variety of emotions in the moment and Sam wasn't sure how best to help his brother. He watched as Dean cautiously brought his eyes up to meet Sam’s.

Sam instantly recognized the sadness he found there and pressed his lips together into a hard line as he took in the bloodshot appearance of Dean’s eyes.

“Sam, tell me something.” Dean said, poorly attempting to keep his tone light. “What could have possibly possessed you to put that big ass nose of yours into my business?”

“Dean-”

“After I made it pretty damn clear that i wanted you to stay out of it!”

Sam took in a sharp breath. “I see.” He nodded slowly as understanding spread over his face. “This is about Cas...he talked to you?”

Dean’s mouth turned down into a disgusted frown. “He tried! Damnit Sam- what were you thinking?!”

“Dean, you don't realize-”

“Save it. I’ll tell you the same thing i told him. I am not going to have this conversation.” Dean walked closer to his brother, his chest puffed up in an attempt a bravado despite his deflated heart. “So you can take your pink elephants and any little insightful comments you’ve got planned and shove it up your ass.”

Sam clenched his jaw so hard he could hear the grind of his teeth in his ears.

“You know what Dean?” Sam closed the distance between him and his brother, his chest almost pressing against Dean’s. “You’re a fucking coward.”

Dean’s face morphed in shock at his brother’s insult but kept his mouth shut.

“You’re so afraid to let someone be there for you, care about you. We both know why Dean.” Sam shook his head, his voice softening. “You think you don't deserve it right? You think you’re not worth the trouble of loving you? “ Sam let out a breath and shook his head. 

“Well guess what, that's not your call to make.” 

Dean absorbed his brother’s words carefully. He took in each syllable in silence, but kept the hard grimace on his face.

“Whether you want to accept it or not, Cas loves you Dean.” Sam said quietly after a long a pause. 

“And i don't know what exactly is going on with you...and how you feel...but i think if you don't let yourself feel it, you are only making things that much worse for yourself.”

“Think about what Collette said Dean.” Sam’s face became animated as he tried to convince his brother. “I mean, really think about it. She said that the reason Cain eventually fell back into darkness was because he couldn't accept her love for him. He couldn't let himself believe he was worthy of it.” 

The taller brother stared down at the elder one for a long moment before continuing. 

“Sound familiar?”

Dean took a step back as his eyes widened slightly. 

“So, what Sam? Me and Cas buy a colonial in the suburbs, adopt some rugrats and live out that apple pie life we’ve always dreamed of?”

Sam began to nod. “If that's what you want. Yeah.”

Dean shook his head. “It doesn't work like that for us Sam. You know that.”

“It can. It can if you want it to Dean.”

Dean began to shout again. “I’m cursed Sammy! Are you forgetting that? No matter what I want, I’m pretty much doomed to fuck everything up!” His voice suddenly hitched in his throat as it lowered and became soft again. “You and Cas- you guys just need to let me go. I’ll keep fighting, I will. But I cant risk you going down with me if I cant hold this thing off.”

Sam sighed. “Well, there’s...there’s something you don't know.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “What?”

“Metatron...he said something about the mark...about getting rid of it.”

Dean waited a long moment for his brother to continue but he just found himself staring into Sam’s concerned expression.

“And? Sam! Come on man!” Dean pleaded, irritation coating his voice.

“You’re going to have to talk to Cas, Dean.” Sam shrugged slightly and gave his brother an apologetic smile before turning around and walking out of the room.

****

Sam found Cas standing in the library, his head slightly cocked to the side and his eyes staring at the back wall where it met the ceiling.

“Hey Cas.” Sam said softly, pulling Cas out of his thoughts.

“Sam.” Cas said in his gravely voice as he turned around to face Sam. “You look troubled.”

Sam let out a soft snicker. “Right back at you buddy.”

Cas’ mouth pulled down into a frown before nodding slightly. “Yes, I supposed I’ve been better.”

Sam shuffled his feet uncomfortably for a moment. He stuffed his hands into his front pockets as he rocked on his heels, trying to find the best way to broach the topic that had them both so rattled.

“So, uh- you, uh- you talk to Dean?” Sam asked slowly. 

“I’ve been thinking about that and I cant really say what Dean and I had was a conversation.” Cas sighed and brought his eyes back to the far wall of the library. “We did exchange words though.” 

Sam nodded absently as he sat down in one of the libraries chairs. “Yeah. I got that.”

Cas spun around to face Sam again. “Did you speak with him? What did he say?”

Sam averted his gaze, his eyes finding the floor quickly. “Uh- I don't know, something about pink elephants.” He shook his head. “He isn’t really the best communicator Cas.”

“Yes. I know.” Cas said sadly as he found a chair to fall into as well. He let himself ponder the existence of a breed of elephant that manifest the phenotype for pink skin for a moment before turning to regard Sam again. “I am at a loss as to what to do next Sam.”

Sam let out a loud breath and leaned back into his chair, letting his head fall back slightly. “I don't know. Maybe we should just tell him the truth.” Sam straightened out quickly. “But Cas, we haven't really talked about if this...giving up your grace for Dean...if that is something you would be willing to do.”

Castiel didn't hesitate. “Of course.”

Sam nodded and let himself relax into his chair again.

“Sam, I would do anything to save Dean, and that includes becoming human again.” Cas folded his hands in his lap and let his eyes fall to his fidgeting fingers. “I do miss the taste of cheese burgers.”

Sam smiled casually at the angels adorable confession. “As long as that's something you’d be okay with. I mean, maybe we could find another way...”

“There is no other way Sam. And I am okay with this, really I am.” Cas leaned back in his chair. “Hannah has a good handling on heaven now, things are going very well up there. The fallen angels have made their way home, there isn't much left for me to do- except this. Saving Dean would give me back a sense of purpose i feel i have lost.”

Sam took that in for a moment. He watched as the angel stared off into space, his brow furrowing occasionally and smoothing out before whispers of a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.

“And after?” Sam asked finally. “After Dean is saved, and you are human. What then Cas?”

Cas looked over to the younger Winchester and frowned. “I’m not sure Sam. I was hoping my conversation with Dean earlier would have helped me figure that out.”

“You mean you would stay? If Dean asked you to?”

“Of course Sam. If Dean wanted me, I would stay.” Cas said quietly.

“I’m sorry things didn't go well earlier Cas.” Sam said softly. “Dean can be-”

“An idiot.” Cas finished for him.

Sam let out a soft chuckle. “Yeah, an idiot.”

They shared a smile for a moment before Sam got up from his chair.

“I’m going to try and get some sleep Cas. Maybe you should think about just coming clean to Dean about the whole thing. You guys can figure out the rest once he is cured.”

Cas furrowed his brow for a moment before standing and nodding slightly. “Perhaps you are right. Thank you Sam.”

Sam reached out and put a hand on the angels shoulder. “Goodnight Cas.”

“Goodnight Sam.”

 

Sam turned away to leave the library but was suddenly frozen in his place. Cas saw his body stiffen and whipped around to see what it was that had startled Sam.

It was Dean, standing in the doorway of the library.

“How long-” Sam began.

“Long enough.” Dean answered, his eyes on Castiel.

Cas ducked his head in a flustered attempt to hide the blush that had sprung to his cheeks.

“Uh- well I’ll let you two...talk.” Sam said carefully. He walked towards the exit, taking a quick look back to Cas who was almost cowering into the far corner of the room. He was concerned for his friend and wanted desperately to threaten Dean into being kind to the angel. Sam turned back towards the doorway and locked eyes with Dean. He didn't say anything but made sure his feelings were clear through the hard, unrelenting stare he gave his brother.

Dean got the picture and raised his hands slightly in surrender, and he nodded in understanding.

Sam let out a breath before breaking eye contact, walking past his brother, and leaving him alone with Cas in the library.

Cas didn't like the way he felt in this moment. He found himself unable to meet the hunters eyes and he hated himself for that weakness.

Dean’s tone was harsh when he spoke from across the room.

“Is that true? Your grace can get rid of the mark?” His words cut into Cas.

Something in Cas broke in that moment. His patience, his unrelenting understanding and compassion- all of it came crashing down at the bitter notes in his friends voice.

“How dare you. How dare you come in here and be angry at me for being willing to give up everything for you. Again!” Cas was shouting even though he had never intended to give into the passion that was constantly buzzing under his skin.

“I never asked you to do that Cas! I don't want this from you. I don't want you to give me anything. I want you to stop! Stop trying to save me! Stop sacrificing everything for me. Just stop it!” Dean’s pitch matched Cas’, his body unmoving aside from the finger he had pointed out at Casitel. 

“What makes you think you have a choice in what i do Dean? When have you ever listened to what i say? What i want?” Cas strode closer to Dean, bringing his own finger up to point at the hunter as Dean let his hand fall. “You listen to me. I’ll be damned if i let this thing take you!” Dean’s hands moved before his mind knew what was happening, the mark burning hot on his arm. He pulled the angel violently towards him by his shirt. He turned them around quickly and before he could stop himself he was pushing Cas out of his hands and into the wall.

Cas’ body crashed hard into the edge of the doorway and his eyes flew open in shock. He quickly composed himself though and narrowed his eyes at the now guilty looking Winchester.

“I told you- Just let it go Cas.” Dean’s voice was apologetically soft. “Just let me go.”

Cas knew Dean wouldn't apologize properly for his outburst, which didn't bother him as much as the outburst itself. It wasn't the first time Dean had gotten violent with Cas but the look on Dean’s face told him that it was unintentional. Dean didn't know what he was doing until it was already done.

“It’s getting stronger. Harder to fight.” Cas said firmly as he straightened out and hesitantly walked closer to Dean again.

Dean didn't answer just rolled his eyes slightly and let out his breath in a huff.

“You don't have to let it take you Dean. You don't even have to fight it anymore because we can get rid of it. I can cure you.” Cas kept moving towards Dean, not stopping until he was standing right in front of him.

Dean’s voice came out softer now. “Cas- we have to stop doing this. All of us. Sacrificing everything and everyone for each other. Its not healthy man. People don't do this.” He was pacing along the back wall of the library with the defeated posture of a lost soldier. “ You doing this- that’ll be it for you Cas. You’re out of the game. Is that what you want?”

Cas had his hands on his hips as his head shook in irritation. “You really are an idiot aren’t you.”

“What?”

“You are so convinced that you’re not worth anything, that when someone is standing here telling you that they would give up being a celestial being to save you, you cant even listen.”

“Hey! I’m listening man, but all I’m hearing is that you want to basically kill yourself so that I can be the waste of space I was before. Well guess what buddy? I’m not going to let you do that. I’m not going to let you cripple yourself into something you don't want to be, just for me. Not again man, I cant do this to you again.” Dean turned around and moved closer to the wall again. The mark was burning into his skin, screaming terrible things and fueling the rage that was begging to be released.

“Dean! You aren't listening at all. What you’re doing now- what you may do in the future if we don't get that mark off of you, that's what could hurt me, could hurt Sam.” Cas strode confidently closer to Dean again who had finally stilled and was leaning against a shelf of books.

The heat from Dean’s arm from where the mark was seared into his skin, began to withdraw slightly as he met Cas’ gaze.

“Cas...” Dean said in a whisper.

“I know you said you didn't want to talk about this, but damnit Dean. We are out of time here. What just happened, when you attacked me, its going to happen again. You are a strong man, but the Mark of Cain will take you eventually.”

Dean shook his head. “I can fight this thing Cas. I don't need you to give up your grace for me. And we do not need to have this conversation.”

“I think that's incredibly inaccurate Dean. If you insist that you will not accept my Grace, then you will absolutely need to accept my love.” 

Dean’s eyes widened at the statement. He felt a mixture of excitement and terror all at once.  
Cas was admitting his feelings for him.  
Cas loved him.  
Him.  
Dean Winchester, the fuck up who basically destroyed the world on more than one occasion.  
Castiel, an angel of the Lord, loved him.  
Dean sucked in a shallow breath out of necessity. He kept his eyes on Cas but was at a loss of what to say. He couldn't think. His feelings were overwhelming him and he had to put a hand on the shelf behind him to steady himself.  
He was also faintly aware that the mark had stopped screaming at him.

“Collette’s story has opened my eyes to some things and I cant help but think that my feelings for you can be a useful tool in this situation.”

Dean grunted and rolled his eyes again. “How romantic.” 

He was still reeling from the angel’s confession of his feelings for him, that Dean hadn't realized his own words spilling from his mouth until it was too late.  
Cas’ brow furrowed at that and stepped closer to the hunter who had straightened up from the wall in shock at his own words.

“I didn't mean- i just meant- Damnit Cas!” Dean pushed past the angel in an attempt to leave the library but Cas reached out and spun him back around to face him.

“What Dean? What did you mean?”

Dean took a deep breath. He swallowed hard as he met Cas’ curious eyes. He found himself in them and couldn't help but feel a sense of strength washing over him. “I don't know. Its just the way you said that...that feelings could be used as a tool...you sounded like the old Cas. The robot Cas.”

Cas nodded slightly, starting to understand Dean’s reaction. “So you wish for my feelings to be used for another purpose?”

“I’m not saying anything. I told you, I am not doing this right now.”

“Well I’m sorry Dean.” Cas took another step forward, his body so close to Dean’s he could smell the hunters shampoo. “It seems like we have no choice but to confront this. Collette herself said as much.”

“What?”

“She told us that she believed Cain would have been able to continue to fight the mark if he had truly accepted her love. If he would let himself believe he deserved it.”

Dean lowered his gaze. “Cas-”

“Perhaps I would be willing to postpone giving you my grace, if it meant that you could find a way to do what Cain could not.”

“Cas- Stop.” Dean almost begged, his voice barely a whisper.

“Dean. I’m not asking you for anything in return. Please understand that.” Cas soothed the broken hunter with his voice. “I only wish to help you. Your feelings for me are irrelevant at this particular moment in time. You do not need to love me in return to accept the love I have for you. I do not need your love to continue the life I am destined for. You however, you need to accept my feelings for you. You need to understand and believe how worthy you are of them if you want to continue winning your battle with the mark.”

Dean could feel tears welling up behind his eyes and he sniffed unconsciously, still looking down into the floor.

“Metatron told me something in the basement. He told me something that i already knew because i experienced it, but did not know the reason.” Cas spoke firmly, making sure Dean knew how serious he was. 

“He told me that when God created humans, he told the angels to love them. And we did. He told us to accept them as his children, and we did. I have loved you since before I first saw the shredded remains of your soul Dean. I loved you as I pieced you together and pulled you out of hell, and I loved you through each battle we fought together and against one another. I love you now, standing here. It was a part of your creation, to be loved by me.”

Dean’s chest fell noticeably at the declaration. Sappy moment aside, Dean couldn't help but feel a wash of disappointment sinking his heart as he tried to absorb what Cas was saying.

Castiel loved him, as an angel loves a human.  
He loved him in the way he was commanded to.

Dean felt incredibly foolish for letting himself hope that the angel loved him in the same way he did. He scoffed slightly and ducked his head in an attempt to hide the angry embarrassment that threatened to lash out.

Cas could see Dean’s reaction but ignored it and continued.

“An angel’s love for a human is effortless Dean, that’s why for an angel to fall in love with a human- that human has to be something extraordinary.”

Dean’s head snapped up at that, the deep forest of his eyes meeting the crystal waters of Castiel’s. 

“God made it so that an Angel literally couldn't fall in love with a human, unless that human was deserving.” Cas thought for a second before adding wistfully. “I’m assuming it was his version of nyphilim control, while still allowing a certain amount of free will.”

Dean’s mouth had gone completely dry listening to Castiel explain himself and couldn't help but lick his lips as he parted his mouth to speak, a motion Cas’ eyes flitted to instantly and lingered there until Dean spoke.

“So, what you’re saying...is... what exactly?”

Cas sighed softly and let a smile creep up the corners of his mouth.

“What I’m saying Dean, is that if you werent deserving of this, then I wouldnt be standing here.”

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. “Cas, who decides I’m deserving? Who makes that call?”

“God.”

“Oh so he is just out there somewhere, deciding who is and who isn't good enough to bang an angel? That's pretty creepy man.”

Castiel’s eyebrows shot up, Dean’s unfiltered mouth surprising him again.

“Shit. I didn't mean- ugh.” Dean ran a hand over his face as he tried to hide his embarrassment yet again. “Cas, i just meant-”

“I know what you meant Dean. Its alright.” Cas said kindly.

Dean allowed himself to look back down into the angel’s eyes, this time steeling himself not to look away.  
If everything Cas just said was true, then maybe he wasn't as bad off as he had thought. Despite the incredibly stalker like quality to it, if God felt that Dean was worthy of Castiel’s love, then maybe he really could have it. Maybe he really could let himself be happy, take that proverbial leap of faith. 

He wanted to. God, he wanted to.

Looking down at the man he had fallen so helplessly for, Dean didn't know if he had the strength to keep fighting against his own feelings anymore. He wanted to protect Cas, Dean wanted to make sure that he was never in a position to hurt him. He also wanted to sink into Cas’ chest and let him hold him, he wanted to kiss away the frown lines that covered his angel’s face. He wanted so much in that moment he forgot he was supposed to be letting go of all his earthly desires. He was supposed to be saying goodbye and pushing away the things that meant most to him so that it wasn't so hard when he was gone.

After everything Cas just said though, Dean couldn't push him away anymore. He didn't see the point. If Collette was right, if Metatron was right...he could really have this. He could finally be happy. 

Of course, there was still the anger that hummed from the mark, pushing and pulling and making it impossible for Dean to think straight. He could hear it whispering to him, telling him to shove Castiel again and stab him through the chest with his own Angel blade. 

Dean winced and shut his eyes tight at the image.

“Dean?” Cas asked, concern spreading over his features.

“I’m scared Cas.” Dean whispered. “If you’re wrong...if its not enough...”

“I guess there’s only one way to find out Dean.” Cas said firmly before moving himself away from Dean’s body.

Castiel wanted to make it perfectly clear that he was not propositioning Dean. He was only trying to convince Dean to accept his own self-worth. 

Dean felt a rush of sad coldness as Cas put a few feet between them. The humming from the mark began to scream again and he shook his head, almost violently.

“Cas. Don't do that man.” Dean implored, his eyes meeting the angel’s.

“What? don't do what?”

Dean hesitantly walked closer to Cas who stood frozen in place.

“When you’re close...its better.” Dean said very softly. “The mark, it is quieter when you’re next to me.” 

Cas could see how much Dean was struggling to get out the words and he instinctively reached out his hand to his friends arm.

Dean felt the mark’s power subside instantly and a warmth spread within him. Cas could feel Dean relax considerably at his touch and didn't suppress the soft smile that graced his lips.

Their eyes were locked again and Dean didn't think he could take much more of this without giving in.

Why shouldn't he give in though?  
What’s stopping him?  
He loves Cas. Cas loves him.  
Hell, God is giving it the green light.

Dean snickered subtly at the thought.

“Dean?” Castiel questioned. “what's funny?”

Dean didn't answer, he just let his smile widen to match the sweet one Cas wore.

“Alright Cas.” Dean finally said. “Let’s give it a shot then.”

Cas’ eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “My grace?”

Dean huffed out a breath and clucked his tongue in mock annoyance.

“No, dumbass.” Dean smiled. “This.”

He stepped forward quickly so that Cas barely had a chance to react. Dean’s hand reached out to cradle the angel’s face as he brought their lips together in a soft kiss.


	6. Well, Welcome Home Clarence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gives in to Sam and Cas' adorable request.
> 
> Dean and Cas get cockblocked.
> 
> Crowley does something Crowley like.
> 
> Dean fights the Mark.
> 
> Cas make a sacrifice.

Over the next few weeks, Dean and Cas would find themselves pressed in the dark corners of the bunker or behind the closed doors of their bedrooms, sneaking kisses and groping each others bodies like teenagers. 

They hadn't slept together yet, Dean wasn't sure it was something Cas wanted since he had never tried to go further than the heavy make-out sessions they increasingly found themselves in. The one time they ended up horizontal, Sam had called needing help with a case and they had to stop just as Dean was pretty sure Cas was about to reach for Dean’s dick.

Dean punched Sam in the stomach that day.

Blue balls aside, Dean had to admit it felt nice taking things pretty slow with Castiel. Typically his hook-ups with guys were usually quick and messy and he was out the door before the guy could clean himself up. It wasn't that Dean didn't enjoy the sex, or that he didn't make sure his partner enjoyed it too, it was more that he didn't see a reason to hang around. Having sex with a man was one thing, but having feelings for him was a completely different thing. With Cas, Dean had developed feelings for him long before they got physical and he really didn't want to screw anything up.

He was happy. I mean, really happy. The mark still buzzed in his ear occasionally but Dean was finding it easier to ignore it and press on, especially with Cas by his side. He was singing in the shower, he didn't complain when Sam brought home rabbit food, he even kept his mouth shut when he found Cas and Sam had brought home a puppy they found stranded in an alley. 

Cas insisted that Dean get to name the dog if he was going to let them keep it. Dean was going to refuse and make him take the dog outside but couldnt help but melt a into the sweet and hopeful smile Cas was wearing.

Dean looked down at the scrawny, filthy little mutt and couldn't suppress his own smile. 

Dean bent down and checked between the dogs legs.

“Ah, just another one of the guys then.” Dean hesitantly put a hand on the dogs head and patted it gently. He look up to meet Cas’ beaming face before chuckling softly and looking back to the dog. “Well, welcome home Clarence.”

Cas let out a soft laugh at that and ran his hand through Dean’s hair as Dean continued to pet their new family member. He felt a tingle down his spine as Cas’ hands made contact with the skin on his neck and he stood up quickly, feeling extremely exposed.

“Listen you two, I’m not taking care of him. Got it? He is your responsibility.” Dean said sternly, looking between Cas and Sam.

“Yeah Dean.” Sam rolled his eyes as he poured dog food into a small bowl and put it on the floor in the kitchen. “Whatever.”

Clarence immediately ran to the bowl and began eating hungrily.

Dean turned to Cas. “Not whatever, I’m serious Cas. I don't want this thing in my bed or shitting all around the bunker.”

Cas smirked. “I will be sure to take the dog outside to release his bowels.”

“Alright then, as long as we’re clear.”

“I think Clarence could use a bath.” Sam announced as he watched the dog eagerly gobble up the last traces of food in its dish. He picked him up and set off to the bathroom.

“Don't you dare use my shampoo on him!” Dean called after Sam. His brother just waved him off as he disappeared down the hall.

Just as Sam was rounding the corner Dean felt himself being pulled by his shirt forwards. Cas’ lips were on his own before he even had a chance to close his mouth. He wasn't really all that surprised though, this was the routine lately. As soon as Sam left the room, their tongues would be down each others throats so fast they would literally drop whatever they were doing. 

Cas snaked his hands up the back of Dean’s shirt and pulled his hips closer to his own as his tongue dipped inside Dean’s mouth.

“Mmm...Cas.” Dean moaned into Cas’ mouth between kisses. “Maybe we should take this to my room?” The words were out before he had a chance to really think them through.

Cas didn't say anything though, he just kept kissing Dean and began pushing him towards the stairs. Dean could feel his heart hammering in his chest, the mark barely a whisper as he thought about what was about to happen. 

Was he ready? Was Cas ready? 

Cas pulled away from Dean then, looking up at the green eyed hunter with a seductive darkness in his blue ones. “I want this Dean. I think we are ready.”

Dean scrunched his face in confusion. “Did you just-”

“Not exactly, but i can sense your concern.” Cas smiled shyly at Dean who returned it with a flush to his cheeks.

“What else can you sense Cas.” Dean asked quietly, a suggestive twinkle in his eyes.

“Lust. Mostly.” Cas answered casually. “But there is also something deeper, your affection for me is quite strong.”

Dean’s eyes widened for a moment and sucked in a quick breath before steadying his reaction.

He hadn't told Cas he loved him. There was just something in him that couldn't go there yet. Part of him feared that if he let himself say it, if he finally came out with it, then he would be opening himself up to a world of pain when it all came crashing down. Taking this step with Cas, making their relationship cross that bridge beyond friendship, it was really hard for Dean. The actual process of it was amazing of course, but the worry and fear behind it still pulled at him. If he added a big emotional declaration on top of that, Dean didn't know how he would ever piece himself back together if it all fell apart.

Cas could tell that his statement was making Dean uncomfortable and he smiled apologetically. “Its alright Dean. You don't have to say anything.”

Dean smiled back and shook his head in awe at how lucky he was to have someone like Cas. The fact that Cas knew Dean wasn't ready to go there, to tell him how much he loved him, that meant everything to Dean. It was just another thing to add to the list of things to tell Cas when Dean was finally ready.

Dean dipped his head back down to press his lips back to Cas’. He kissed him slowly and deeply. Cas responded by dragging his hand up to Deans hair and running his fingers around the back of his head. 

Dean felt the buzzing of his phone in his pocket but ignored it. He was pretty sure there was nothing more important than what he was doing at that moment.

Their kiss quickened and they found themselves at the top of the stairs. They pulled apart to walk down together, hand in hand, eyes locked all the way down. When they made it to Dean’s bedroom, Cas could barely get the door shut before Dean was on him again. His hands pushing off Cas’ suit jacket and coming up to the buttons of his shirt. 

Cas began to work Dean’s belt when Dean’s phone began to vibrate again. Cas could feel it through the vibrations of Dean’s leg and looked at Dean.

“Trust me- whatever it is. I don't care.” Dean said as he unbuttoned the last of Cas’ shirt buttons and pushed the shirt from his shoulders. Cas thought for a moment about ignoring the phone call but was quickly distracted by Dean’s mouth on his. He licked inside Cas’ mouth and nibbled gently on his lower lip as Cas kicked off his shoes and brought his hands to the hem of Dean’s shirt. The fire burning deep in Dean’s chest was moving quickly south as Cas pulled the shirt over his head. They moved towards Dean’s bed, kissing deeply, their chests pressed together skin to skin. 

Dean felt the bed behind his knees and snickered when Cas pushed him back and climbed on top of him, straddling him with ease.

Dean was pretty sure he had never seen anything so hot and beautiful at the same time. 

“Jesus Cas.” Dean said, his breath hitching in his throat as Cas growled lowly and crashed his lips back down onto Deans. Dean bucked his hips up in retaliation and felt an instant jolt of pleasure at the feel of their arousals pressing against one another. Dean slid his tongue across the roof of Cas’ mouth and felt the angel shiver above him. Their hips grinded against each other earnestly.

Cas pushed himself back then, feeling the phone vibrating yet again in Dean’s pocket.

“Dean maybe-” 

“Ugh! Yeah, yeah. hold on.” Dean rolled his eyes as he dug into his pocket to get out his phone. 

The caller ID said it was Charlie and a wash of both panic and annoyance ran through him. He hit the accept button and brought the phone to his ear.

“You better be dying Charlie, I swear to God.”

A cold shiver ran through Dean’s body as the voice on the other end replied to him. It wasn't the light, breezy tone of his friend that he had come to find comforting. It was a familiar british drawl that spoke to him. The mark began to scream as the King of Hell’s voice whispered into Dean’s ear.

“Not yet Winchester, but close your eyes and wish real hard...” 

****

“Dean! We need a plan, we cant just go in guns blazing!” Sam yelled at Dean from across the large table in the bunker.

“Sam, what the hell are you even talking about? I’ve got a plan.” Dean loads the ammunition into his gun. “Cas, where’s the first blade?”

“Dean, I don't think it’s wise-”

“I’m not asking for it, I just want to make sure you can get it if we need it.”

Cas stared at Dean for a moment before nodding. “Yes, I can get it.”

“Okay go. Meet us there.” Dean finished loading his duffel bag full of weapons. Sam sighed but grabbed his coat to put it on.. 

“Dean.” Cas was standing next to him. There was so much concern in his eyes Dean had to look away to keep himself from pulling him into a gentle kiss.

They weren't exactly hiding their relationship from Sam, they had been caught a few times making out in various places around the bunker. But there was something about going in for a kiss in that moment that made his relationship with Cas that much more real. Another step Dean wasn't sure he was ready for.

“Cas, I’ll be fine.” He could feel the mark burning into his skin, making his blood pulse with the thrill of the upcoming fight. 

“Please be careful. The mark-”

“Cas, seriously. I’m okay.” Dean brought his eyes back to the angel’s and found himself almost melting at the pitiful sight he found there. Cas’ brow was furrowed and his mouth was pulled down into the saddest frown Dean had ever seen.

Without thinking, Dean put his hand behind Cas neck and pulled their heads together, resting his forehead on Cas’. He could see out of his peripheral vision that Sam was watching them for a moment before grabbing the duffel back and turning around to go up the stairs.

Dean whispered down to Cas. “I got this. It’ll take more than a demon fight to let the mark take me. Trust me Cas.”

Cas let out a sad sigh. “I do Dean. I just...i have a bad feeling about this.”

Dean brought his lips down to Cas’ and pulled him into a soft chaste kiss.

“Everything is going to be fine Cas. I promise.”

****

Dean’s head hit the back of the cement pillar hard, stars clouding his vision for a moment before he could regroup and block the series of punches the demon threw at him next.

He could see Sam out of the corner of his eye slamming a demon blade into the chest of a redheaded Demon and was grateful his brother was so capable during a fight.

Dean pushed back against the demon and the Mark hummed in gratitude at the chance to participate in some violence. He could feel it thinning his blood and making his actions less and less his own as the fight went on. His face grew more savage with every punch thrown, every slash of his knife. Dean rushed forward, slamming his body into the demon’s and taking him down to the ground. 

Dean brought up the knife swiftly and sunk it into the Demon’s chest, doing his best to keep the satisfied smile off of his face. He held the knife in place, the meat suit’s skin still clinging around the blade, when Dean felt a set of hands pulling at both of his arms. He was pulled to his feet and despite his best efforts he was unable to shake the demons holding him there.

“Come now Dean, wasn't it much easier when you didn't have to hide how much you love this? How much you need it?” Crowley’s voice crooned to him as he walked closer to Dean.

“All I need is that knife in your chest Crowley.” Dean spat back, struggling again for a moment against the hands of his captures before going still again. He searched the warehouse and found Sam untying Charlie in the corner of the room. Relief washed over him seeing his friend unharmed but tensed as he watched Sam fight off another demon.

In trying to protect Charlie from the demon, Sam caught a right hook to the temple that sent him down to the ground. Dean sucked in a terrified breath before releasing it slowly. He could see his brother’s chest rising and falling and knew his brother was only unconscious.

“Don't kill him.” Crowley said, not turning around to face the Demon who was standing over Sam’s body. The demon looked disgruntled but complied and stepped away from Sam, his eyes now trained on Charlie who sat next to Sam on the floor.

“Seem’s Moose was bested, Squirrel.” Crowley teased.

“What do you want Crowley?” Dean asked, the Mark was coursing through his veins and he was fairly sure he would be able to get out of the demon’s grip with the right combination of moves. With the mark, he was definitely stronger than them, he just had to get the right advantae.

“Honestly?” Crowley said with a hint of humor in his voice. “I’m bored, Squirrel. You may have been a dick while you were a demon- but you were my dick.”

Dean narrowed his eyes at Crowley and scoffed. “Do you think before you talk or...?”

“Yeah- a bit more homoerotic than i intended...not that it changes the sentiment.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “I ain't going to become that thing again just so you have a playmate Crowley.”

“Well, that's what i figured. That's why i brought a little help.” Crowley’s eyes darkened considerably as the corner of his mouth lifted a fraction of an inch. He moved forward quickly, before Dean had a chance to react. Crowley’s hand was over the mark and his mouth was speaking words Dean couldn't understand. 

“Dean!” Cas’ voice yelled out to him from across the room. His vision was getting hazy as Crowley finished speaking and by the time the King of Hell backed away from him, Dean felt a fire burning through his body. 

Suddenly, all Dean could see was red. He could see the veins pulsing through the skin on the demon’s that held him. He found himself staring at the demon’s neck, mesmorized by the vibrations the flowing blood caused.

Dean’s movement was so fast Cas couldn't even get out a gasp before it was all over.

The hunter lunged his barred teeth at the demon’s jugular. He ripped through it easily, smiling sinfully as the blood coated his mouth and the demon’s screams rang like music in his ears.

With the free arm the nearly decapitated demon had set free, Dean reached across to the other Demon that held him and thrust two fingers into the demon’s already wide eyes. More screams echoed in the warehouse as Dean pulled the eyes out with a pluck of his fingers.

“There he is.” Crowley said sweetly before he blinked out of the room.

 

*****

“Dean?” Cas’ voice shook.

He watched as Dean let the second Demon drop to the ground, his screams still bouncing off the walls of the warehouse. 

Dean ignored Cas. He walked over to the demon he had killed earlier with the demon knife and pulled it out of the demon’s chest. He moved quickly back to the other two demons who were writhing on the floor.

The smile Dean wore as he stabbed each demon repeatedly sent chills down Castiel’s spine. He inched closer to the hunter slowly, keeping his eyes on him and anticipating the fight he knew was coming but hoped he could avoid.

“Dean?” Cas tried again.

This time Dean looked up from the position straddling the demon. His eyes met Cas’ but Castiel knew instantly that Dean was not himself. 

He also knew that he wasn't a demon yet either. 

“What did Crowley do?” Cas asked, his body still moving slowly closer.

Dean stayed silent but stood up, wiping the blood that covered the blade on his jeans.

“He did some sort of spell Cas.” Charlie’s voice was behind Castiel's and he turned to face her. She had stood up and moved closer to the angel and the hunter. Cas saw Sam on the floor behind her and felt concern welling up inside of him before recognizing the sound of the youngest Winchester’s steady breathing.

Charlie saw the worried look in Castiel’s face and looked over her shoulder back to Sam.

“He’s alright. Just out cold.”

Cas nodded and walked over to Charlie. “You should go.” 

Without warning Cas brought two fingers to Charlie’s forehead and sent her back to the bunker. She didn't have a chance to argue.

Cas turned back around quickly, feeling Dean’s presence hovering behind him.

When he turned, Cas was face to face with the hunter, barely a few inches between them.

“Dean.” Cas said his name as much a warning as it was a question.

Dean still remained silent.

The hunter could barely see the angel clearly. His body was a fragmented mess. One moment Cas would be there standing in front of him, the next it would be in pieces strewn across the room. Then it would be dripping with blood from multiple stab wounds, then his neck would be nearly torn away as his crystal blue eyes bulged out of his head.

There was a small part of Dean that cringed at each image, that was desperate to never see such things again. That small part of him wasn't strong enough though, it wasn't strong enough to fight the much greater impulse to inflict the damage he saw. 

His heart was a steady beat of terror and pleasure as he brought his fist up quickly to Cas’ jaw. Cas took the blow full on, even though he could have defended himself easily from the assault. He whipped his head back up, staggering slightly backwards.

“Dean, stop. You don't want to do this.” Cas said firmly, his voice strong and unrelenting.

Dean couldn't hear him through the scream of the Mark. He couldn't make our Cas’ words because they muddled together under the sound of rushing blood in Dean’s ears. He stepped forward robotically and threw another punch into Cas’ face, this time hitting his eye and splitting open Cas’ eyebrow.

Cas took it again, falling to his knees under the force of Dean’s attack.

“Dean,” Cas panted slightly, his breath becoming ragged. “This isn't you. Stop this.” 

Dean sent another punch down to Cas’ face, delighting in the sound of Cas’ flesh tearing under his knuckles.

Castiel knew he could heal his vessel instantly, but wanted to take this attack as a human would. He hoped he could bring Dean back just the way Dean had brought him back. 

Castiel remembered this scene being played from opposite positions not too long ago. He threw punches down to Dean and mangled his face without a hint of compassion. Cas continued to attack, continued to abuse, until something broke though. Something pulled him back to himself. 

It was Dean. 

His declaration of needing Cas, that they were a family. 

Dean needed him. 

Cas remembered dropping the blade, guilt ripping through the happiness he felt at the sound of Dean’s words. 

Cas spit out blood as another punch landed at the corner of his mouth.

“Dean. Please.” Cas asked softly, his breathing heavier now, his resolve to let Dean fight this on his own slipping away. “Don't do this. I need you.”

His words were almost a whisper. Cas brought his eyes up to meet the green ones staring down at him. He was grateful that they weren't black but sad that the lustrous forest he usually found there, was now a dull moss.

Dean flinched noticeably at Cas’ words but still didn't say anything. He hesitated for a moment before resuming his beating, kicking out his knee and bringing it up into Cas’s jaw.

Cas flew backwards, his head slamming hard into the cement floor. He knew he should end this soon. He knew he should heal his vessel and give Dean his grace. But there was a part of him that selfishly wanted to bring Dean back himself. Not his grace, but him. 

“Dean.” Cas winced as he pulled himself to sitting and brought his eyes back up to the hunter. “Please don't do this. You are better than this.”

Another flinch, another hesitation.

“Dean.” Cas reached his hand out and took Dean’s into his own. “We need you. Sam needs you.” 

Punch.

Cas spit out more blood, still holding on to the hand not marked with the blood of his face.

“I need you Dean.” Cas whispered between swollen lips. “Dean...I love you. You know that don't you? I know you do. Please...I love you.”

He knew he sounded pitiful, but he didn't care.

Dean blinked forcibly, his body shuttering as he fought against it. Dean’s eyes flitted between red and clear water. The sting from the cuts on his knuckles came and went as his bloodlust ebbed and flowed. He could feel himself being pulled in two directions, ripping him apart from this inside. The red receded greatly as he heard Cas tell him he loved him. It receded enough to let Dean see what Cas really looked like at that moment. He saw the bruised and bloodied face of the man he had fallen for. He saw the torment in the angel’s eyes, the fear and anguish he had put there. The red began to push again. Pushing at his edges, seducing him into not caring about the broken man before him. 

“Cas?” Dean finally was able to push out the words. His teeth clamped down on his lip the moment the name passed, punishing him for his weakness. He tasted the blood as it seeped into his mouth and felt a sickening pleasure in it. His body shook, it tried to force him to forget the delicious taste, force him not think about what Cas’ blood might taste like.

“Yes, Dean. Its me.” Cas said softly, summoning all of his strength to stand and meet the hunter’s gaze dead on. He wanted to bring Dean into his arms, he wanted to bring him back. 

Dean struggled to speak. “I-I cant. Cas, Its too...strong.” He closed his eyes forcibly. He could see himself bringing his head forward swiftly, slamming his forehead into Cas’ before sinking his teeth into his neck and driving the knife into his stomach. 

Dean shook his head, trying to push the thought out of his head.

“Dean. Look at me.” Cas said, bringing his hand up to the hunters face. The blood from the demon he bit earlier was caked into the stubble of Dean’s beard and Cas brushed it away with his thumb. “Its okay. You can do this Dean. Look at me. Look at me and come back.”

“Cas..” Dean whispered, his throat scratchy and dry. He remembered the intoxicating sensation of the demon’s blood flowing thickly down his throat and Dean shuttered. He jerked his head away and his hand clenched around the demon blade. His face went rigid again as he tried to stay afloat.

“Its too hard. I cant.” His voice shook slightly, but Cas could hear Dean beginning to fall off the edge again. It was obvious how hard Dean was fighting in this moment, and how incredible painful that fight was.

Cas realized he couldn't be so selfish anymore. Dean was in serious pain, he was working so hard to fight the effects of the mark and whatever Crowley had done to him, and here Cas was trying to get him to come back for love. 

Cas jumped into action immediately. 

He flicked his wrist and his angel blade fell into his hand. He brought it up to his neck with one hand as he lunged towards Dean. Cas brought his other hand to the back of Dean’s neck and brought the hunter’s shocked face down to his neck as Cas slit his own throat.

Blue shimmering grace began to seep out of him and Cas slammed Dean’s face against the opening, forcing him to inhale. Cas could feel Dean struggling beneath him and hoped his strength would hold out long enough to keep Dean in place.

“Cas! No!” Dean shouted as he managed to pull away, pushing Cas’ body back roughly.

The damage was done though, or more accurately- the blessing.

Dean felt an enormous weight lifting from his soul. The constant hum from the Mark faded into nothing, bringing the bloodlust and anger with it. His vision became both hazy and clear at the same time, the red twinged edges smoothing into reality. 

Dean didn't have a chance to fully absorb what had just happened though. He rushed back to Cas’ side who had fallen to the floor with a hand over his bleeding neck.

“Cas!” Dean cried as he fell to his knees next to him. “Why?” He felt tears falling from his face as he added his own hand on top of Cas’ to help stop the bleeding. “I’m not worth it! I’m not worth it!”

“I-I don't...think...you...” Cas tried to speak but Dean stopped him.

“Don't ....talk, it'll make.... it worse.” Dean could barely get the words out between quiet sobs. 

“My..grace...you didn't....take..it ....all.” Cas said slowly. 

Cas could feel the life literally draining away from him as blood poured out of his neck, but he also felt the distinct warmth that came from healing. It just wasn't happening as quickly as they were used to.

Dean could tell that there was less blood pooling around his fingers and he hesitantly pulled his hand back from the Cas’ wound. The cut was still deep and red but blood was clotting around it.

“Cas- I think ...i think you’re healing!” Dean cried, another sob escaping his chest.

“Hmm.” Cas nodded slightly as he felt his heavy lids pushing themselves down and darkness taking over. He was vaguely aware of Dean’s forehead resting against his own as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Cas could feel the wet sting of tears falling onto his face and what sounded like words being spoken through the largest ocean in his ears.

“I’m so sorry Cas... I love you.” Dean whispered as his tears fell. “ I love you Cas. I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue up next.
> 
> Carry on my wayward son...


	7. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A big fluffy ending.

Dean watched his brother throw the frisbee high into the air and followed it over to Clarence who was eagerly jumping into the air to catch it the moment the frisbee left Sam’s hand. The dog wasnt a puppy anymore but he still moved like one, an unyielding source of energetic happiness. Dean called him Ren, and let him sit in his lap when he watched TV at night. Cas thought it was adorable. 

 

Clarence caught the frisbee with ease and bounded across the beach, kicking sand up as he ran back to Sam. Dean grinned as Sam and Clarence wrestled, his heart souring at the sound of his little brothers laugh.

 

He watched as Charlie took pictures from her chair stationed in the surf. She insisted it was the best place to read, the waves crashing around your feet and nothing but the ocean straight ahead. She wasnt doing much reading at the moment though as she was craning her body around to take pictures of Sam and Clarence. She laughed as Sam finally managed to get the Frisbee away from the dog, insisting Clarence had taken it easy on him. 

 

The sun was setting for the day and Dean continued to smile lazily into the sky. He had just pulled a cold beer from the cooler and couldnt help but pull a classic Coca-Cola gasp as he took a sip of the hoppy sweetness. 

 

His other hand was full too, his fingers intertwined with Castiel’s. 

 

Cas sat next to him on the beach, their chairs low to the sand, their toes finding comfort in the cool textures underneath the grains. Dean loved the feel of sand slipping effortlessly between his toes.

 

Dean looked over to his angel, something he still thought of him as even though Cas was mostly human. Cas had kept enough grace to heal himself, as well as keep some of his more interesting characteristics. He still always knew when Dean needed him, claiming he could no longer hear his prayers, but still felt his longing nonetheless. His wounds also healed faster than a fully human’s would, but he was no longer virtually indestructible. This had made Dean very nervous and had made it his mission to train Cas in combat. With out his angel strength, Dean worried about Cas incessantly, something that irked the ex-angel to no end. He agreed to the training sessions but they found it incredibly difficult to keep their hands off each other long enough to train properly. Sam took over Cas’ training.

 

Dean looked down and admired the muscles that had formed in his boyfriends chest over the last few years. Sam liked to pride himself on training Cas so well, and Dean didnt care if Sam wanted to take credit. Cas had always been fit and well defined, but now he was positively ripped and Dean always found excuses to touch him. He would slip his hands up Cas’ shirt and stroke along his abs as Cas poured them coffee in the morning. He would dip his hands down the back of Cas’ pants and squeeze his muscular butt whenever Cas was wearing sweatpants. Cas loved the attention, despite the eyerolls he would give his boyfriend. 

 

Looking over Cas’ body, Dean could feel himself going hard and wondered if they could get away with having sex in the ocean. Dean squeezed Cas hand in an attempt to get his attention but realized that Cas had fallen asleep, his sun hat tipped slightly over his face. 

 

Dean loved it. 

 

This is what normal families did. They took vacations together. They fell asleep on the beach and got sunburned.

 

And now, so did they. The four of them, (Sam would insist it was five- including Clarence), they were a family.

 

This was their fourth trip since the mark had left his arm. They went every year. They also went skiing last winter, and took a few day trips to some nearby caverns. 

 

They still hunted, but they took the weekends off, reserving that time to relax and spend time together or on their own. Dean and Cas had regular date nights. Sometimes they would go out and other times they would just set up Dean’s laptop in their room and watch old movies and makeout like teenagers. They tried to keep the sex noises to a minimum, wanting not to piss Charlie and Sam off too much with their antics, but they never got any complaints. Dean thought it was because they were both so happy for Dean and Cas, they didnt mind having to wear their headphones at night. 

 

They were a real family and Dean had never been happier.

 

Dean kept his eyes on Cas for another moment, bringing their joint hands up to his lips and kissing the back of Cas’. He stirred in his sleep, shifting his face towards Dean but kept his eyes closed. Dean lowered their hands back down to his lap and closed his eyes as well.

 

He listened to the waves crashing before him, the ocean bringing in a new beginning and taking out the ways of the past. He could feel himself falling slowly, the sounds of Sam and Charlie’s laughter echoing in his ears.

 

Dean smiled as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this- I really liked writing it!
> 
> I love feedback so be sure to let me know what you thought!


End file.
